The Easter Bunny Hates You!
Wednesday April 12th 2006, 5:34 pm
Filed under: Holidays

With Easter coming up, you can expect the Easter Bunny to be out in full force. You’ve been warned! This funny short has been around a while but if you haven’t seen it, it’s worth checking out.

Three Wishes
Sunday April 09th 2006, 11:56 am
Filed under: Sex Jokes

One morning a woman was walking out of her house, when she notices a strange little man standing in her garden.

“You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you so now you owe me three wishes!”.

The goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?”.

The woman stops to think for a moment, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”

The goblins replies “OK, done. What’s your second wish?”.

The woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a shiney new Mercedes.”

The gobline says, “OK, you’ve got that too. What’s your third wish?”

“My last wish is a million dollars!”, replies the woman.

The goblin then says “OK, I will grant your wishes. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex with me all night long.”

The woman hesitates a moment but says, “OK then, if that’s what it takes!”

Next morning the goblin wakes the woman up.

“Tell me,” says the goblin, “how old are you?”

“I’m 27″, the woman replies.

“Holy shit!”, says the little man, “you’re 27 years old and you still believe in goblins!?!?”

Horse of a Different Color
Wednesday April 20th 2005, 6:24 pm
Filed under: Love & Marriage

He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.

“Ouch!! What was that for?” he asked.

“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replied.

“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained.

“Oh honey, I’m so sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came too, he asked, “Now what the hell was that for?”

She replied, “Your horse called”.

All About Results
Wednesday April 20th 2005, 6:20 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies: “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,” Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years.”

St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ”

“Just one minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we look at results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed.”

Not Scared
Sunday April 17th 2005, 8:50 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Love & Marriage

It was a few minutes before the services started. The congregation was seated in the pews and talking quietly. Without warning, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman. The man sat calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in front of him.

Satan walked right up to the old man and said, “Do you know who I am?

The man replied, “Yes, I sure do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

“No, sure ain’t.” said the old gentleman.

“Do you know I can kill you with a single word?”, asked Satan.

“I don’t doubt it for a minute,” replied the old man, in an even tone.

“Don’t you realize that I could cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?” persisted Satan.

“Yes,” was the calm reply.

“And yet you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.

“Nope,” replied the man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well then, why aren’t you afraid of me”?

The old man looked Satan right in the eye and replied, “I’ve been married to your sister for 52 years.”

Knob Job
Sunday April 17th 2005, 8:29 pm
Filed under: Doctor's Office

A forty-something went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The doctor told her about a new procedure called “The Knob,” where a small knob is placed on top of a woman’s head that can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a new facelift. The woman thought that sounded like a great idea decided to get “The Knob”.

Over the course of the next several years the woman tightened the knob whenever she felt she needed a facelift. The effects were wonderful and the woman remained young looking and vibrant. However, after fifteen years and countless knob turnings had passed, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems:

The woman explained to the surgeon, “All these years, everything has been working fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”

The doctor examined her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.”

She said, “Oh, I see. I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee then.”

The Tax Man
Saturday April 16th 2005, 4:38 pm
Filed under: Misc. Jokes

A man in a blue suit had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over.

Everyone was shouting, “Give me your hand!”

The man would not reach up.

Suddenly, Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man.

“Friend,” he asked, “What is your profession?”

“I am an income tax collector,” gasped the man in the blue suit.

“Please sir, take my hand”, said Ben Bebo.

The man immediately grasped the guru’s hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, “Never ask a tax man to “Give” you anything.”

The Evils of Water Skiing
Saturday April 16th 2005, 4:26 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Misc. Jokes,Sex Jokes

A preacher became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was going water skiing on Sunday, rather than coming to church, so he said to his wife, “This Sunday, I’m going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sunday.”

“What!” she exclaimed. “That’s a silly thing to preach about!”

“I don’t think so,” he said, “it’s a problem we need to address.”

The next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asks the preacher what he was going to preach about.

“I already told you,” he said, “I’m going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays.”

“That’s idiotic!” the wife says. “First of all, it’s a stupid sermon topic, and second, the people who need to hear it won’t be at church!

Why don’t you preach about sex or something people are interested in?”

“Nope. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays, and that’s what I’m going to preach about” he said firmly.

The wife says, “Well, I’m not going to sit through a stupid sermon like that. I’m going to stay in the car. You can tell the congregation I’m sick or something.” And she stayed in the car.

As the preacher was walking from the car to his study at the church, he started thinking his wife might be right, and he changed his mind and gave a brilliant sermon on the proper role of sex in modern society.

When the service was over, one of the parishioners stopped by the preacher’s car and said to the pastor’s wife, “I’m sorry you’re not feeling well this morning. Your husband gave the finest sermon today that he’s ever given since coming to this parish.”

“I don’t know why he thinks he’s such an expert on the subject,” the wife snapped.

“He’s only tried it twice, and he fell off both times.”

Redneck Roadblock
Saturday April 16th 2005, 4:15 pm
Filed under: Redneck Jokes

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of beer.

The passenger, Bubba, said, “Lookey thar up the road, Earl, it’s a police roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these beers in tha truck!!”

“Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the labels and stick ‘em on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.”

“What fer?”, asked Bubba.

“Just let me do the talkin”, said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers and threw the empty bottles under the seat. They each put a label from the bottles on their forehead.

When they got to the roadblock, the sheriff asked, “You boys been drinkin’?”

“No SIR,” Earl replied, “we’re on the patch!”

Proof of Age
Wednesday April 13th 2005, 6:50 pm
Filed under: Golden Years,Love & Marriage

A retired man went into the social security office to apply for social security.

After waiting in line for what seemed like hours he finally got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the her that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.

The woman says, “Please unbutton your shirt.”

So he unbuttons his shirt revealing a chest covered in grey hair.

She says, “That grey hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she approved his social security application.

When he got home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

His wife replied, “You should have dropped your pants, you would have qualified for disability, too.”