An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said, “they’re for the funeral!”

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet.

He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said “I don’t think you should take one, they’re very strong and very expensive.”

“How much?” asked Grandpa. “$10.00 a pill”, answered the son.

“I don’t care,” said Grandpa, “I’d like to try one, and I’ll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill.”

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, “I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.”

“I know,” said Grandpa. “The hundred is from Grandma.”

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen’s residence. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other’s company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening.

Afterwards, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the feathers.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they’d shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts. Claude was thinking: “If I’d known she was a virgin, I’d have been more gentle.” Maude was thinking: “If I’d known he could still get it up, I’d have taken off my pantyhose.”

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What’s that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of college girls skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. “I only came to feed the alligator.”

Moral: Old age and wisdom will triumph over youth.

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

The owner said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Hey, thanks!” the biker said, and out the door he went. But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”

The biker said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”

The biker said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

The lady said, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”