Melts In Your Mouth
Friday May 19th 2006, 11:10 am
Filed under: Golden Years

A tour bus driver is driving with a load of seniors down the highway when he is tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts which he gratefully accepts and proceeds to eat. After a few minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. The little old lady repeats this gesture about three more times. When she is about to hand him another batch, he asks the little old lady, ” Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?”

“We can’t chew the peanuts because we’ve no teeth,” was her reply.

The confused driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?”

The little old lady replied, “We just love the chocolate coating!”



Proof of Age
Wednesday April 13th 2005, 6:50 pm
Filed under: Golden Years,Love & Marriage

A retired man went into the social security office to apply for social security.

After waiting in line for what seemed like hours he finally got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the her that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.

The woman says, “Please unbutton your shirt.”

So he unbuttons his shirt revealing a chest covered in grey hair.

She says, “That grey hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she approved his social security application.

When he got home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

His wife replied, “You should have dropped your pants, you would have qualified for disability, too.”



Still Hot After 50 Years
Tuesday April 12th 2005, 4:10 pm
Filed under: Golden Years,Love & Marriage

An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary.

“You know” she said, “We were sitting in this very kitchen across from each other 50 years ago.”

“Yep” he said, “But we were probably naked.”

“So let’s get naked now!” she suggested.

So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.

“You know” she said with a horny grin “My boobs feel just as hot for you today as they felt 50 years ago.”

He replied “I’m sure they do. One is in your coffee and the other one is in your oatmeal!”



Fast Grannies
Tuesday April 12th 2005, 4:03 pm
Filed under: Cops & Robbers,Golden Years

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, said,”Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?”

“Ma’am,” the officer said, “you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous”.

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour”, the old woman said proudly.

The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over.”

“Oh! they’ll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142!”



Shoulda Bought a Hat
Tuesday April 05th 2005, 7:07 pm
Filed under: Golden Years,Love & Marriage

An elderly couple, John and Betty, are in Texas for the winter. John always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife: “Notice anything different about me?”

Betty looks him over and says, “Nope.”

Frustrated, John storms off into the bathroom, strips and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?”

Betty looks up and says, “John, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, John yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, BETTY? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!”

To which Betty replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, John. Shoulda bought a hat.”



Age Difference
Tuesday April 05th 2005, 6:57 pm
Filed under: Golden Years,Love & Marriage,Sex Jokes

At 90 years of age, Henry marries Lisa, a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old, Lisa decides that on their wedding night, she and Henry are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together having sex.

After the wedding and reception are over, Lisa prepares herself for bed, and for the expected visit from her new husband. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well. Henry goes back to his room and Lisa prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lisa hears another knock on the bedroom door. Henry’s ready for more action! Somewhat surprised, Lisa consents to further love making. When the newlyweds are done, Henry kisses Lisa, bids her good night, and leaves.

Lisa is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Henry, as fresh as a 25 year old stud and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Henry is once again set to leave, his young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that you’re able to go at it all night at your age, honey. I’ve been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You’re a great lover, Henry.”

Henry, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lisa and says, “You mean I was here already?”



The Nudist Colony
Thursday March 31st 2005, 9:55 pm
Filed under: Golden Years,Sex Jokes

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?”

The man replies “No, what do you mean?”

She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me.”

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, “Did you call for me?” says the hairy man.

“No, what do you mean?” says the newcomer.

“You must be new,” says the hairy man, “it’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.”

The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.

“May I help you?” she says.

The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 fee.”

“But sir,” she replies, “you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.”

The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m 68 years old, I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I’m outta here!



True Confessions
Saturday March 26th 2005, 7:31 pm
Filed under: Golden Years,Misc. Jokes

Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, “You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But don’t worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will. We have been friends for too long.”

The second lady says, “Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don’t interest me and never will. We have been friends for too long.”

“Well,” says the third lady, “I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship.”

The fourth lady stands up, says, “I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!”



The Yearly Physical
Wednesday March 23rd 2005, 9:34 pm
Filed under: Golden Years

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, “I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.”

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells, “What? What did he say?”

His wife yells back, “Give the doctor your underwear.”



Listen Up
Sunday March 20th 2005, 8:46 am
Filed under: Doctor's Office,Golden Years,Say What?

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful!!’”