A week after their wedding, redneck newlyweds, Jed and Daisy, paid a visit to their doctor.

“I can’t figure it out doc, and I’m really worried,” says Jed. “My privates are turning BLUE.”

“That’s pretty unusual,” said the doctor. “Let me examine you.”

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, Jed’s privates ARE blue.

The doctor turns to Daisy and asks: “Daisy, are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?

“Yeah, I am,” she replied.

“And what kind of jelly are you using with it?”

“Grape,” she answers.

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms, and opened his mouth.

“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room. “What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”

After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Not with a carnation.”

The 90-year-old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better. I have an 18 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. Then he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, ‘bang, bang’ and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?”

The 90-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else shot that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly”.

A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it. He looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then, realizing his mistake, says…”Well, that’s great…just great… some asshole’s got my pen!”

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc can I ask you a question?” The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

“So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix’em, put ‘em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic….. “Try doing it with the engine running!”