Knob Job
Sunday April 17th 2005, 8:29 pm
Filed under: Doctor's Office

A forty-something went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The doctor told her about a new procedure called “The Knob,” where a small knob is placed on top of a woman’s head that can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a new facelift. The woman thought that sounded like a great idea decided to get “The Knob”.

Over the course of the next several years the woman tightened the knob whenever she felt she needed a facelift. The effects were wonderful and the woman remained young looking and vibrant. However, after fifteen years and countless knob turnings had passed, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems:

The woman explained to the surgeon, “All these years, everything has been working fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”

The doctor examined her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.”

She said, “Oh, I see. I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee then.”

The Operation
Friday April 08th 2005, 10:19 am
Filed under: Doctor's Office

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vaginal lips are too large.

She asks the doctor to please keep the operation a secret as she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to find out about it.

The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three red roses placed in a vase beside her bed.

Furious, she immediately calls in the doctor and says, “I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!”

“Don’t worry,” he says, “I didn’t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this operation all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she has had the same operation done on herself.”

“Who is the third rose from?” she asked.

The doctor says, “Oh, that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.”

You So Crazy
Wednesday April 06th 2005, 9:55 am
Filed under: Doctor's Office,Misc. Jokes

Bill and Elaine were patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were strolling past the hospital swimming pool, Bill suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Elaine promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Bill out and brought him to his room.

When the hospital director became aware of Elaine’s heroic act, she immediately recommended that Elaine be discharged from the hospital because she now considered her to be mentally stable.

She went to Elaine and said, “I have some good news and some bad news”.

The good news is that you’re being discharged because you responded so rationally in an emergency situation. By jumping in the pool to save Bill’s life, you displayed sound mindedness. The bad news is that Bill hung himself in his bathroom with his belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.

Elaine replied, “He didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”

Switch Hands
Wednesday March 30th 2005, 9:49 pm
Filed under: Doctor's Office,Golf Jokes,Sex Jokes

A pro golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

“I have some good news and some bad news.” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”

“Oh god no!” cries the man. “My career is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”

“The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm! I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant”

“Go for it doc” says the man. “As long as I can play golf again.”

The operation went well and 6 months later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.

“Just great” says the business man. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.”

“That’s great.” said the surgeon.

“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors”

“Unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a success.”

“Well there is one problem,” said the golfer, “every time I try to jerk off I get a headache!”

Patient Information
Sunday March 27th 2005, 9:54 pm
Filed under: Doctor's Office

A woman called a local hospital. “Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I’d like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse.”

The voice on the other end said, “What is the patient’s name and room number?”

“Sarah Finkel, room 302.”

“I’ll connect you with the nursing station.”

“3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?”

“I’d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302.” “Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon.”

The woman said, “What a relief! Oh, that’s fantastic… that’s wonderful news!”

The nurse said, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!”

” Neither! I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit.”

Listen Up
Sunday March 20th 2005, 8:46 am
Filed under: Doctor's Office,Golden Years,Say What?

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful!!’”

Just What the Doctor Ordered
Thursday March 17th 2005, 7:59 pm
Filed under: Doctor's Office,Love & Marriage

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.

The druggist asks “Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?”.

The lady say’s “To kill my husband.”

“I can’t sell you any for that reason” says the druggist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist’s wife, and shows it to the druggist.

He looks at the photo and says, “Oh I didn’t know you had a prescription!”

Thursday March 17th 2005, 7:55 pm
Filed under: Doctor's Office

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

“Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”

“Find Amelia Earhart yet?”

“Can you hear me NOW?”

“Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!”

“Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

“You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”

“Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”

“You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey….”

“Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

“If your hand doesn’t fit, you must acquit!”

“Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”

“You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”

“Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?”

Job Well Done
Tuesday March 15th 2005, 9:34 am
Filed under: Doctor's Office,Sex Jokes

One night, a man and a woman are at a bar downing a few beers. They strike up a conversation and quickly discover that they’re both doctors.

After about an hour, the man says to the woman, “Hey, how about we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It’ll just be one night of fun.”

The woman agrees. So they go back to her place. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10-20 minutes. Finally, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, “You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?”

She replied, “Yeah, how did you know?”

He said, “I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.”

“Oh, that makes sense,” says the woman. “You’re an anesthesiologist, aren’t you?” she asked.

“Yeah,” says the man, a bit taken aback. “How did you know?”

“Because I didn’t feel a thing.”

Cough Remedy
Friday March 11th 2005, 10:48 pm
Filed under: Doctor's Office

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”

The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”

The owner exclaims, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!”

The clerk responds, “Of course you can! Look at him. He’s afraid to cough.”