A man goes to a gun shop for a scope for his rifle. The shop owner takes out one, points out the window and says, “this baby is so good, you can see right into my house on that hill way over there.”

The man looks throught the scope into the house and starts laughing.

“Whats so funny?” asks the shop owner.

“Well I see a naked man chasing a naked woman around your house,” replies the customer.

Grabbing the scope back, the shop owner quickly eyes through the sight and sure enough, there is his wife, buck naked being hotly pursued by an excited young man.

Furious, the shop owner says to the man,”if I give you two bullets will you blow my wife’s head off with one and shoot the man’s dick off with the other? I’ll give you the scope for free if you do.”

“Okay,” the man says as he takes out his rifle and attaches the sight. Taking a quick look through the scope before loading, he hands one bullet back.

“You know what?” he says. “I think I can do this with just one shot.”

A blonde named Shelly decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn’t done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment, there’s nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Shelly: “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape but static.”

Clerk: “Sorry about that. We’ve had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?”

Shelly: “Head Cleaner.”

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?”

The man replies “No, what do you mean?”

She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me.”

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, “Did you call for me?” says the hairy man.

“No, what do you mean?” says the newcomer.

“You must be new,” says the hairy man, “it’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.”

The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.

“May I help you?” she says.

The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 fee.”

“But sir,” she replies, “you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.”

The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m 68 years old, I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I’m outta here!

A pro golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

“I have some good news and some bad news.” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”

“Oh god no!” cries the man. “My career is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”

“The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm! I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant”

“Go for it doc” says the man. “As long as I can play golf again.”

The operation went well and 6 months later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.

“Just great” says the business man. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.”

“That’s great.” said the surgeon.

“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors”

“Unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a success.”

“Well there is one problem,” said the golfer, “every time I try to jerk off I get a headache!”

On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said,” You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn’t resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men’s restrooms don’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water,gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

“What happened?” he exclaimed.

“You pushed one too many buttons,” replied the nurse.

“The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath, and young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

“Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been saved.”

“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun.

“Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now?” said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, “And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more evenly.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

That wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”

One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, “Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.”

The guy says, “Well, give me some examples.”

The girlfriend proceeds to tell him, “Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn’t for me.”

“The second way is if a man fumbles around and can’t seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn’t for me either.”

Then she said, “Honey, how do you unlock your door?”

He then proceeded to say, “Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock.”

One night, a man and a woman are at a bar downing a few beers. They strike up a conversation and quickly discover that they’re both doctors.

After about an hour, the man says to the woman, “Hey, how about we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It’ll just be one night of fun.”

The woman agrees. So they go back to her place. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10-20 minutes. Finally, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, “You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?”

She replied, “Yeah, how did you know?”

He said, “I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.”

“Oh, that makes sense,” says the woman. “You’re an anesthesiologist, aren’t you?” she asked.

“Yeah,” says the man, a bit taken aback. “How did you know?”

“Because I didn’t feel a thing.”

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

“Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night.” The Mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies,” Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.” We had a about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.”

The Mailman thinks a moment and says, ” How do you play that?”

Bob continues between hung over gasps,” Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “units” showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The Mailman laughs and says,” Damn I am sorry I missed that.”

“Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds,” your name was guessed four or five times.”

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. Its OK when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else,
because you ARE someone else.

5. 40 years from now, you’ll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door.

3. Doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning.

AND….

1. You can do the whole neighborhood!!!