Bear Hunting
Tuesday June 13th 2006, 10:53 am
Filed under: Misc. Jokes,Sex Jokes

John just bought a new rifle and he couldn’t wait to try it out. He decided he would try his hand at hunting bears. On his hunting trip, John spotted a small brown bear and shot it. A couple seconds after he shot, John felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a big black bear standing there. The black bear said, “That was my cousin you shot. You’ve got two choices; either I maul you to death or we have sex.”

After considering his options for a moment, John reluctantly decided to have sex with the bear. Even though he was sore for two weeks, John soon recovered and vowed to get his revenge on the big black bear.

John headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Again he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to find a big grizzly bear standing right next to him. The grizzly said, “You’ve made a big mistake, John. That black bear was my cousin and now you’ve got two choices; either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.” Once again, John agreed to the sex.

John barely survived and it took several months for him to recover. He was determined to get his revenge on the grizzly. John headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. Finally, revenge was his, but then there was yet another tap on his shoulder! John turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him with a sneer and said, “Admit it, John, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

Too Weak for Two Weeks
Tuesday June 06th 2006, 12:11 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Love & Marriage,Sex Jokes

Three couples – one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed – were interested in joining the church. The priest said, “We have special requirements for new members. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.” The couples agreed to the terms and they all came back at the end of the two week period.

The priest went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The old man replied, “No problem at all, Father.”

“Congratulations, you are now members of the church!” said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The middle-aged man replied, “The first week wasn’t too bad. The second week I ended up having to sleep on the couch for a few nights, but yes, we made it.”

“Congratulations you are now members of the church!” said the priest.

Finally, the priest went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Were you two newlyweds able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”

“No Father, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly.

“What happened?” asked the priest.

“My wife was reaching for a can of soup on the top shelf and she dropped it,” said the man. “When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

“I see. Unfortunately this means you will not be welcomed into our church,” said the priest.

“We know,” said the couple. “We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”

Nice to Meet You!
Monday June 05th 2006, 2:09 pm
Filed under: Sex Jokes

A man is at the desk in a hotel lobby. As he turns around to leave, he bumps into an attractive woman standing behind him. Unfortunately his elbow hit her square in the breast. The two of them are both pretty startled by the incident. The man turns to the woman and says, “Miss, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I just know you’ll forgive me.” To which the woman replies, “Sir, if your penis is as hard as your elbow, you can find me in room 234.”

Sweet Job
Saturday May 20th 2006, 6:33 pm
Filed under: Sex Jokes

Three men were on a trip in Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 gorgeous women. The men started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik walked in.

“I am the master of all these beautiful women. No one else can touch them except for me. You three men must pay dearly for what you have done today. The three of you will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.”

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. “I’m a police officer”, says the first man. “Then we will shoot your penis off!”, said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. “I’m a firemen”, said the second man. “Then we shall burn your penis off!”, said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, “And you, what do you do for a living?” The third man answered, with an ear to ear grin, “I’m a lollipop salesman!”

Three Wishes
Sunday April 09th 2006, 11:56 am
Filed under: Sex Jokes

One morning a woman was walking out of her house, when she notices a strange little man standing in her garden.

“You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you so now you owe me three wishes!”.

The goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?”.

The woman stops to think for a moment, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”

The goblins replies “OK, done. What’s your second wish?”.

The woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a shiney new Mercedes.”

The gobline says, “OK, you’ve got that too. What’s your third wish?”

“My last wish is a million dollars!”, replies the woman.

The goblin then says “OK, I will grant your wishes. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex with me all night long.”

The woman hesitates a moment but says, “OK then, if that’s what it takes!”

Next morning the goblin wakes the woman up.

“Tell me,” says the goblin, “how old are you?”

“I’m 27″, the woman replies.

“Holy shit!”, says the little man, “you’re 27 years old and you still believe in goblins!?!?”

The Evils of Water Skiing
Saturday April 16th 2005, 4:26 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Misc. Jokes,Sex Jokes

A preacher became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was going water skiing on Sunday, rather than coming to church, so he said to his wife, “This Sunday, I’m going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sunday.”

“What!” she exclaimed. “That’s a silly thing to preach about!”

“I don’t think so,” he said, “it’s a problem we need to address.”

The next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asks the preacher what he was going to preach about.

“I already told you,” he said, “I’m going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays.”

“That’s idiotic!” the wife says. “First of all, it’s a stupid sermon topic, and second, the people who need to hear it won’t be at church!

Why don’t you preach about sex or something people are interested in?”

“Nope. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays, and that’s what I’m going to preach about” he said firmly.

The wife says, “Well, I’m not going to sit through a stupid sermon like that. I’m going to stay in the car. You can tell the congregation I’m sick or something.” And she stayed in the car.

As the preacher was walking from the car to his study at the church, he started thinking his wife might be right, and he changed his mind and gave a brilliant sermon on the proper role of sex in modern society.

When the service was over, one of the parishioners stopped by the preacher’s car and said to the pastor’s wife, “I’m sorry you’re not feeling well this morning. Your husband gave the finest sermon today that he’s ever given since coming to this parish.”

“I don’t know why he thinks he’s such an expert on the subject,” the wife snapped.

“He’s only tried it twice, and he fell off both times.”

Sex Frogs for Sale
Saturday April 09th 2005, 11:53 am
Filed under: Blonde Jokes,Sex Jokes

A beautiful blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks around the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs for Sale! Only $10 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions!

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s looking and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.” The man packaged the frog and said, “Please follow the instructions carefully.”

The blonde nods in agreement, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she takes out the instructions and reads them very carefully, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into some sexy lingerie.
4. Get into bed and position the frog in place.

The blonde quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise and disappointment, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom it says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.” So she calls the pet store.

The pet store owner says, “I had some complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over.”

Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn frog just sits there.”

The pet store owner, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”

Ice Cream
Saturday April 09th 2005, 11:46 am
Filed under: Love & Marriage,Sex Jokes

A middle aged wife had just returned to the house on a Sunday afternoon after her shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been extremely rude.

It seems she was sitting down while he was helping her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any panties under her dress.

Without even thinking, the salesman blurted out, “If that thing was full of ice cream, I’d eat every bite.”

Well, the woman was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.

The husband just sat there, watching the football game on TV, and shrugged his shoulders. The wife became furious, and insisted on knowing why he didn’t go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman to defend her honor.

“Well”, the husband replied, “There are three reasons I won’t get in a fight with that guy. First of all, you shouldn’t have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole closet full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no panties on. But most of all, I’m not going to fight anyone who’s big enough to eat that much ice cream!”

Putting It In
Wednesday April 06th 2005, 10:02 am
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Love & Marriage,Sex Jokes

A married man went to confession and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another married woman.”

The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”

The man said, “Well, we got naked and rubbed our bodies together, but then we stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the donation box.”

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the donation box.

He paused for a second and then started to leave.

The priest quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the donation box!”

The man replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in.”

Age Difference
Tuesday April 05th 2005, 6:57 pm
Filed under: Golden Years,Love & Marriage,Sex Jokes

At 90 years of age, Henry marries Lisa, a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old, Lisa decides that on their wedding night, she and Henry are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together having sex.

After the wedding and reception are over, Lisa prepares herself for bed, and for the expected visit from her new husband. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well. Henry goes back to his room and Lisa prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lisa hears another knock on the bedroom door. Henry’s ready for more action! Somewhat surprised, Lisa consents to further love making. When the newlyweds are done, Henry kisses Lisa, bids her good night, and leaves.

Lisa is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Henry, as fresh as a 25 year old stud and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Henry is once again set to leave, his young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that you’re able to go at it all night at your age, honey. I’ve been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You’re a great lover, Henry.”

Henry, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lisa and says, “You mean I was here already?”