A Costly Mistake
Monday March 28th 2005, 5:19 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Misc. Jokes,Say What?

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all subsequent copies.

The head abbot replies, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

So, the head monk goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by, and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young new monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for the elder monk. He sees him banging his head against the floor. His forehead is all bloody and bruised, and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word is celebrate!”



Let Me Rephrase
Friday March 25th 2005, 7:29 pm
Filed under: On the Farm,Say What?

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse.

The Horse Rancher asks. “How will I recognize him?”

“That’s easy…he’s a midget with a speech impediment.”

So the midget shows up, and the rancher asks him if he’s looking for a male or a female horse.

“A female horth.”

So he shows him a prized filly.

“Nith lookin horth, can I thee her eyeth?”

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.

“Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?”

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.

“Nice earzth, can I thee her mouf?”

The Rancher is gettin’ pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

“Nice mouf, can I thee her twat?”

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s pussy, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

“Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?”



Toilet Humor
Wednesday March 23rd 2005, 9:41 pm
Filed under: Misc. Jokes,Say What?

I was in a truckstop restroom and was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: “Hi, how are you?”

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the men’s restrooms at a truckstop but, I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly, “Doin Just Fine!”

And the other guy says, “So what are you up too?”

What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say, “Uhhh I’m like you, just traveling east!”

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

Then he asks,” Can I come over to your place after while?”

Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.

I tell him, “Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!”

Then I hear the guy say nervously, “Listen, I’ll have to call you back, there’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.”



Listen Up
Sunday March 20th 2005, 8:46 am
Filed under: Doctor's Office,Golden Years,Say What?

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful!!’”



Wise Words
Friday March 18th 2005, 10:41 pm
Filed under: Misc. Jokes,Say What?

- People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

- Never read the fine print. There ain’t no way you’re going to like it.

- If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your ass will get soaking wet.

- The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

- The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

- To err is human, to forgive, highly unlikely

- Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

- Money can’t buy happiness but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

- Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

- Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

- After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.



Alcohol Warnings
Monday March 07th 2005, 4:54 pm
Filed under: Say What?

American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol beverage containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.



How Do You Spell That Again?
Monday March 07th 2005, 2:46 pm
Filed under: Say What?

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. In this country, we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”



Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
Monday March 07th 2005, 2:44 pm
Filed under: Say What?

1) That’s not right ……………….. Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive?…. Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP…………………… Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man …………………….. Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse ……………………. Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? ……. Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table … Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift ….. Chin Tu Fat

9) It’s very dark in here …………. Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet .. Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone …….. No Pah King

12) What are you doing here …….. Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight ………….. Lei Ying Lo

14) He’s cleaning his automobile … Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive …. Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great ……………………………. Fa Kin Su Pah



A Way With Words
Monday March 07th 2005, 2:42 pm
Filed under: Say What?

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing associations throughout the UK:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of them are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

13. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

14. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

15. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.

16. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.

17. He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it any more.



Drunkenese
Monday March 07th 2005, 2:38 pm
Filed under: Say What?

DIFFICULT WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK:
Specificity
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

IMPOSSIBLE WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don’t want sex.
No, I don’t want another drink.
Sorry, but you’re not good looking enough for me.
Good evening officer.
I’m not interested in fighting you.
No one wants to hear me sing.