He Was a Poet and Didn’t Know It
A poetry contest had come down to two finalists, a Harvard graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a single word, then allowed five minutes to try to come up with a poem that contained the word they were given. This time they were given the word, “Timbuktu.”
The Harvard grad got to go first. This is his poem::
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels, two by two,
The audience applauded loudly thinking there was no way the redneck would be able to come up with a better poem than the Harvard grad. The redneck scoffed, confidently strolled up to the microphone and said:
Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three hoes in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two.
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of beer.
The passenger, Bubba, said, “Lookey thar up the road, Earl, it’s a police roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these beers in tha truck!!”
“Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the labels and stick ‘em on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.”
“What fer?”, asked Bubba.
“Just let me do the talkin”, said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers and threw the empty bottles under the seat. They each put a label from the bottles on their forehead.
When they got to the roadblock, the sheriff asked, “You boys been drinkin’?”
“No SIR,” Earl replied, “we’re on the patch!”
Redneck to the Rescue
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While they’re having a shot of whiskey, they discuss their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwhich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes obvious that she is in real trouble.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says “Kin ya swaller?”
The woman shakes her head no.
“Kin ya breathe?”
The woman starts to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the choking woman, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties and quickly gives her right ass cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the piece of food flies out of her mouth. As she starts to breathe again, the hillbilly strolls slowly back to the bar.
His buddy says, “Ya’ know, I’d heared of that thar Hind-Lick-Maneuver before, but I ain’t niver seen nobody do it!”
A week after their wedding, redneck newlyweds, Jed and Daisy, paid a visit to their doctor.
“I can’t figure it out doc, and I’m really worried,” says Jed. “My privates are turning BLUE.”
“That’s pretty unusual,” said the doctor. “Let me examine you.”
The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, Jed’s privates ARE blue.
The doctor turns to Daisy and asks: “Daisy, are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?
“Yeah, I am,” she replied.
“And what kind of jelly are you using with it?”
“Grape,” she answers.
High Tech Redneck
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a redneck were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager, “he said, “I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm.”
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand.”
The redneck felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The redneck finally said… “Well, will you look at that, I’m getting a fax.”
In the Army
Dear Ma and Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things — no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave, but it is not bad they git warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.
It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route marches,” which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Cols.and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bull’s-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don’t move. And it ain’t shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma’s teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
Chester and Earl Go Huntin’
Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, “I’ll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren’t any ducks out there, I’m not going hunting.”
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, “Well I’m not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there.”
Earl says, “You’re going to take the dog’s barks for the truth?” Earl doesn’t believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, “I don’t believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!”
Chester says, “Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too.”
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it’s mouth and starts humping Earl’s leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, “This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!”
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in it’s mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, “Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at.”
A Letter from Santa
From: Santa Claus
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Missouri, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I’m certain that you will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all good people; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen,” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty.”
5. “Ho, Ho, Ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I her’d dat!”
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back Off.”
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d be sure to turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.