A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you”

She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?” “Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes red?”

The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous!”

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a trim before the next day’s meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

I’m afraid not, sir,” the clerk told him apologetically, “but down the hall is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.” Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted 50 cents, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, “Manicures, 25 Cents”. Why not?, thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, “This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives – 50 Cents.” The salesman looked both ways, put in fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly and, with some
anticipation, stuck his penis into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds, later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis……. now with a button sewed on the end.

Boudreaux applied for an engineering position at a St. James Parish Refinery.

A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Boudreaux and said: “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the Yankee the job.”

Boudreaux asked: “And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Cajun I should get the job!”

The manager said: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed.”

Boudreaux then asked: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”

The manager replied: “Boudreaux its like this, on question #4, the Yankee put down; “I don’t know” and you put down, “Neither do I”

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.”

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left, “Would you care to do it again?”

He asks her “Shall we?” She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes, let’s! But let’s change positions. This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head.”

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy just one ticket.

“How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?” Asks one of the Yankees. “Watch and learn,” answers one of the men from the South. They all board the train.

The three Yankee men take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, “Ticket please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners don’t buy any ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed Yankee. “Watch and learn,” answers the men from the South.

When they board the train the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Yankees are hiding.

The Southerner knocks on their door and says, “Ticket please.”

A young man named Jon received a parrot as a gfit. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

Jon tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistenlty saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally Jon was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jon shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and more rude. Jon in desperation, threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard. Fearing that he hurt the parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon’s outstretched arm and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions. I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior”.

Jon was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, but the bird continued…”May I ask what the chicken did?”

My Friend…

When you are sad …I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry ass who made you sad.

When you are blue … I’ll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile … I’ll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared …I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried …I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit your stupid whining.

When you are confused …I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick … stay away from me until you’re well again. I don’t want whatever you have.

When you fall …I will point and laugh myself silly.

This is my oath …I pledge ’till the end. Why you may ask? Because you’re my friend!