A stranger was seated next to Joe on a plane. “Let’s talk,” he said to the guy. “I’ve heard that flights go a lot quicker if you can strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.”

Closing the book he’d been reading, Joe looked at the man and said, “Okay. So what would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger with a shrug. “How about nuclear power?”

“That would be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first,” Joe said. “Horses, cows, and deer all eat grass. Yet deer excrete little pellets, cows turn out flat patties, and horses produce clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

“You’ve got me there,” the stranger laughed. “I have no idea.”

“Well, then,” said Joe, “how is it you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, “You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But don’t worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will. We have been friends for too long.”

The second lady says, “Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don’t interest me and never will. We have been friends for too long.”

“Well,” says the third lady, “I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship.”

The fourth lady stands up, says, “I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!”

I was in a truckstop restroom and was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: “Hi, how are you?”

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the men’s restrooms at a truckstop but, I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly, “Doin Just Fine!”

And the other guy says, “So what are you up too?”

What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say, “Uhhh I’m like you, just traveling east!”

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

Then he asks,” Can I come over to your place after while?”

Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.

I tell him, “Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!”

Then I hear the guy say nervously, “Listen, I’ll have to call you back, there’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.”

Ziploc Bags: They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers: They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective productive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tire: Male, because it goes bald and it’s often over-inflated.

Hot Air Balloon: Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.

Sponges: Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.

Web Page: Female, because it’s always getting hit on

Subway: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Hourglass: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammer: Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.

Remote Control: Female. You thought it’d be male but consider this; it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift at a pretty young age and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. I married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed! He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, “ten bucks and the dog is yours.”

The guy says he’ll buy him but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?”

The owner replies, “because he’s such a damn liar!”

- People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

- Never read the fine print. There ain’t no way you’re going to like it.

- If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your ass will get soaking wet.

- The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

- The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

- To err is human, to forgive, highly unlikely

- Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

- Money can’t buy happiness but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

- Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

- Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

- After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

“Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night.” The Mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies,” Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.” We had a about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.”

The Mailman thinks a moment and says, ” How do you play that?”

Bob continues between hung over gasps,” Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “units” showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The Mailman laughs and says,” Damn I am sorry I missed that.”

“Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds,” your name was guessed four or five times.”

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

“What’s that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.

“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.

“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

“Yup,” replied the drunk.

“How’s it work?” the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.

“Watch,” the drunk replied.

He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: “HEY YOU ASSHOLE!!! it’s ten past three in the morning!”

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love,
Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

For heaven’s sake, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I Buried the BODIES.

Love,
Bubba

At 4 A.M. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,
Bubba

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem.

One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?”

“Hold on a minute,” Socrates replied. “Before telling me anything I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.”

“Triple filter?”

“That’s right,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you’re going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

“No,” the man said, “actually I just heard about it and…”

“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?”

“No, on the contrary…”

“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him, but you’re not certain it’s true. You may still pass the test though, because there’s one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?”

“No, not really.”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?”

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was fucking his wife.