Bear Hunting
Tuesday June 13th 2006, 10:53 am
Filed under: Misc. Jokes,Sex Jokes

John just bought a new rifle and he couldn’t wait to try it out. He decided he would try his hand at hunting bears. On his hunting trip, John spotted a small brown bear and shot it. A couple seconds after he shot, John felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a big black bear standing there. The black bear said, “That was my cousin you shot. You’ve got two choices; either I maul you to death or we have sex.”

After considering his options for a moment, John reluctantly decided to have sex with the bear. Even though he was sore for two weeks, John soon recovered and vowed to get his revenge on the big black bear.

John headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Again he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to find a big grizzly bear standing right next to him. The grizzly said, “You’ve made a big mistake, John. That black bear was my cousin and now you’ve got two choices; either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.” Once again, John agreed to the sex.

John barely survived and it took several months for him to recover. He was determined to get his revenge on the grizzly. John headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. Finally, revenge was his, but then there was yet another tap on his shoulder! John turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him with a sneer and said, “Admit it, John, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

The Tax Man
Saturday April 16th 2005, 4:38 pm
Filed under: Misc. Jokes

A man in a blue suit had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over.

Everyone was shouting, “Give me your hand!”

The man would not reach up.

Suddenly, Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man.

“Friend,” he asked, “What is your profession?”

“I am an income tax collector,” gasped the man in the blue suit.

“Please sir, take my hand”, said Ben Bebo.

The man immediately grasped the guru’s hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, “Never ask a tax man to “Give” you anything.”

The Evils of Water Skiing
Saturday April 16th 2005, 4:26 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Misc. Jokes,Sex Jokes

A preacher became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was going water skiing on Sunday, rather than coming to church, so he said to his wife, “This Sunday, I’m going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sunday.”

“What!” she exclaimed. “That’s a silly thing to preach about!”

“I don’t think so,” he said, “it’s a problem we need to address.”

The next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asks the preacher what he was going to preach about.

“I already told you,” he said, “I’m going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays.”

“That’s idiotic!” the wife says. “First of all, it’s a stupid sermon topic, and second, the people who need to hear it won’t be at church!

Why don’t you preach about sex or something people are interested in?”

“Nope. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays, and that’s what I’m going to preach about” he said firmly.

The wife says, “Well, I’m not going to sit through a stupid sermon like that. I’m going to stay in the car. You can tell the congregation I’m sick or something.” And she stayed in the car.

As the preacher was walking from the car to his study at the church, he started thinking his wife might be right, and he changed his mind and gave a brilliant sermon on the proper role of sex in modern society.

When the service was over, one of the parishioners stopped by the preacher’s car and said to the pastor’s wife, “I’m sorry you’re not feeling well this morning. Your husband gave the finest sermon today that he’s ever given since coming to this parish.”

“I don’t know why he thinks he’s such an expert on the subject,” the wife snapped.

“He’s only tried it twice, and he fell off both times.”

Five Stages of Drunk
Wednesday April 13th 2005, 6:42 pm
Filed under: Barroom Jokes,Misc. Jokes

Stage 1 = SMART: This is when you become an expert on everything known to mankind. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are ALWAYS RIGHT and of course the person you are talking to is ALWAYS WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both people are SMART.

Stage 2 = GOOD LOOKING: This is when you realize that you are the most attractive person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bare in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 = RICH: This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked outside the bar. You can also make large bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 = BULLET PROOF: You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 = INVISIBLE: This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because no one can see you. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.

Pregnant Bus Ride
Sunday April 10th 2005, 9:20 pm
Filed under: Misc. Jokes

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling self conscious on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. Finally, she had him arrested.

The case went before a court. When asked why he acted in such a rude manner, the man explained, “When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. At first she sat under an advertisement which read, “Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins”. Then she moved under one that read, “Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling.” I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read, “William’s Stick Did The Trick.” Finally, I could no longer control myself when on the fourth move, she sat under sign that read, “Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.” He won the case.

First Class Blonde
Saturday April 09th 2005, 11:58 am
Filed under: Blonde Jokes,Misc. Jokes

A beautiful blonde woman stepped onto an airplane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The stewardess proceeded to go around checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the blonde woman she noticed that it was for coach seating, not first class.

She tells the woman, “You’re ticket says coach and we have a full flight today. I’m going to have to ask you to move.”

To which the blonde woman replies, “You don’t understand, I’m blonde, beautiful, I’m going to L.A. and I’m getting there in first class.”

Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the blonde woman that she must move.

Again, the blonde replies, “You don’t understand, I’m blonde, beautiful, I’m going to L.A. and I’m getting there in first class.”

Also confused, they go get the captain of the plane. He tells the blonde woman that she must move.

The blonde starts to say, “You don’t understand, I’m blonde, beautiful, I’m…” when the captain interrupts and asks, “Can I whisper something in your ear?”

“Sure.” she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear.

Suddenly the blonde woman gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face.

The flight attendants are startled. “How did you get her to move?”

The captain said, “I told her that first class isn’t going to L.A.”

Auto Accident
Friday April 08th 2005, 10:09 am
Filed under: Misc. Jokes

There’s a guy from Ireland driving through Europe and a guy from England driving in the opposite direction. In the middle of the night with no other cars around they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Irishman manages to climb out of his car and asses the damages. He looks at his wrecked car and says, “Jasus, I am really lucky to be alive!”

Likewise, the Englishman manages to get out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived!”

The Englishman walks over to the Irishman and says, “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of such rivals.”

The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived the crash.”

So, the Irishman opens his trunk and finds a full bottle of Irish Whiskey.

He says to the Englishman, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found friendship.”

The Englishman says, “You’re damn right!” and he snatches the bottle from the Irishman’s hand and starts sucking down the Irish Whiskey.

After putting away nearly half the bottle, the Englishman hands it back to the Irishman and says, “Your turn!”

The Irishman puts the cap back on the bottle and says,”Nah, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”

You So Crazy
Wednesday April 06th 2005, 9:55 am
Filed under: Doctor's Office,Misc. Jokes

Bill and Elaine were patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were strolling past the hospital swimming pool, Bill suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Elaine promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Bill out and brought him to his room.

When the hospital director became aware of Elaine’s heroic act, she immediately recommended that Elaine be discharged from the hospital because she now considered her to be mentally stable.

She went to Elaine and said, “I have some good news and some bad news”.

The good news is that you’re being discharged because you responded so rationally in an emergency situation. By jumping in the pool to save Bill’s life, you displayed sound mindedness. The bad news is that Bill hung himself in his bathroom with his belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.

Elaine replied, “He didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”

Blonde Ice Fishing
Friday April 01st 2005, 6:57 pm
Filed under: Blonde Jokes,Misc. Jokes

This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She had seen many books and videos on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary equipment together, she headed to the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfortable on her ice fishing stool, she started to cut a circle into the ice.

Suddenly, from above, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!” Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of coffee, and began to cut another hole. Again, from above, the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “Is that you, Lord?”

The voice replied, “NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!

A Costly Mistake
Monday March 28th 2005, 5:19 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Misc. Jokes,Say What?

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all subsequent copies.

The head abbot replies, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

So, the head monk goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by, and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young new monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for the elder monk. He sees him banging his head against the floor. His forehead is all bloody and bruised, and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word is celebrate!”