The wedding date was set and the groom’s three pals, a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist, were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed.

The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few chuckles.

The dentist would not tell the others what he had done, and wore a sly grin, simply suggesting that his gag would be a memorable one.

The wedding and reception went as planned. A few days later, each of the groom’s three friends received a letter that read as follows.

Dear friends, we didn’t mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But, I swear to God Almighty, I’m going to kill the idiot who put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly.

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side…You know what?”

“What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck, get the fuck away from me!”

Bob and Mary Smith were invited to a swanky masked Halloween Ball.

Mary had a terrible headache the night of the party, and told Bob to go without her. Bob, a devoted husband, protested, but Mary argued, saying she was going to take two aspirin and go to bed. There was no need for her husband to miss out on a good time. So, he took his costume and away he went.

After an hour nap, Mary awoke feeling great! It was still early… she decided to go the party. Having kept her costume a secret from her husband, Mary decided to have a little fun. She would see how Bob >behaved when she was not with him.

Mary joined the party and soon spotted her husband on the dance floor, dancing with every chick that he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. Mary sidled up to him. She was no slouch in the Babe department. wearing her most seductive smile, She easily got his attention. He left his latest partner high and dry and devoted his attentions to the new stuff that had just arrived. Mary let him go as far as he wished, he was, after all, her husband. When he whispered a little proposition in her ear she agreed. Off they went to the parking lot, and the first back seat they could find.

As the clock chimed midnight, Mary slipped away without revealing her identity. She went home, put her costume away and got into bed. Mary was more than curious as to how Bob was going to describe his evening.

She grabbed a book and pretended to be reading when he came home. Casually, she asked what kind of evening he had had.

“Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?” He replied, I’ll tell you, I never danced a dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and Charlie. We went into the den and played poker all evening.

But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.

A man was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for “small,” $6,500 for “medium,” and $14,000 for “large.”

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.

“Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor. The man answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen”.

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn’t contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o’clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he’d been. The man replied, “I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That’s why I’m late.”

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, “I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You’ve been playing golf again, haven’t you?”

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, “How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?”

She glanced at him casually and replied, “You’re never home!”

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.”

“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”

The problem is,” she complained, “It wakes me up!”

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party.

Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat.

Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, “Honey, have you seen my other shoe?”

A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said “How bad is it doc?…..I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee’ is still a virgin in every way.”

The doctor told him, “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.” So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wired it all together. It became a rather impressive work of art. Of course, the guy mentions none of this to his girl.

They marry and go on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She said, “You’re the first; no one has ever touched these breasts.”

Next, she takes off her panties and reveals the golden fruit. She says, “You’re the first; no one has ever touched me here.”

Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies, “Look at this, it’s still in the CRATE!”

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he’d probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn’t seem disturbed at all.

Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.”

When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “oh shit,” cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.