One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, “Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.”

The guy says, “Well, give me some examples.”

The girlfriend proceeds to tell him, “Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn’t for me.”

“The second way is if a man fumbles around and can’t seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn’t for me either.”

Then she said, “Honey, how do you unlock your door?”

He then proceeded to say, “Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock.”

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replies. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he exclaims. “Good,” she replies. “Get your own dern blanket!”

After a moment of silence, he farted.

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

“Darling,” he says. “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,”he says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you are.”

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he says insistently.

Up to 60.

“I want the car, too,” he continues.

65 mph.

“And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat.”

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: “Isn’t there anything you want?”

The wife at last replies, in a quiet and controlled voice.

“No, I’ve got everything I need.” She says.

“Oh, really,” he inquires, “so what have you got?”

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles…. “The airbag.”

How to shower like a woman:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and coloured.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

3. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

4. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups.

5. Get in shower.

6. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

7. Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

8. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.

9. Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.

10. Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.

11. Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash.

12. Shave armpits and legs.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower.

16. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

17. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

18. Check entire body for spots, tweeze hairs.

19. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

20. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.

How to shower like a man:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.

2. Leave in a pile.

3. Walk naked to the bathroom.

4. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making woo-hoo sound.

5. Look at manly physique in the mirror.

6. Admire size of your willy and scratch your ass.

7. Get in the shower.

8. Wash your face.

9. Wash your armpits.

10. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

11. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

12. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

13. Wash your butt leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap.

14. Shampoo hair.

15. Make shampoo mohawk.

16. Pee.

17. Rinse off and get out of shower.

18. Partially dry-off.

19. Fail to notice water on floor.

20. Admire willy size in mirror again.

21. Leave shower door open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

22. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

23. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make woo-hoo noise again.

24. Throw wet towel on bed.

Two buddies, John and Bill, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly John throws up all over himself.

“Oh, no. Now Julie will kill me!”

Bill says, “Don’t worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your shirt pocket, tell Sheila that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.”

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually John rolls into home and Julie starts to give him a hard time.

“You reek of alcohol and you’ve puked all over yourself! My God, you’re disgusting!”

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, John says, “Nowainaminit, I can e’splain everytin! Ish snot wha chew tink. I only had a cuppla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me. He had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was ver rry sorry an’ gave me twenny bucks for da cleanin’ bill!”

Julie looks in the breast pocket and says, “But this is forty bucks.”

“Oh, yeah…I almos’ fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too!

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.” Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?”

His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe.”

One Saturday morning this guy gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.

Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it’s going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, “The weather out there is terrible.”

To which she sleepily replies, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?”

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?” The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

“Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, “No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.

“Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.

“Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”

“Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.

“Is this your wife?” the Lord asked.

“Yes,” cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The woodcutter replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT’S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez.”

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks — this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade

NOTHING
This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards! “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine”

GO AHEAD (Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care” You will get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. “Soft Sighs” mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content

THAT’S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow.”

GO AHEAD
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you’re welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing”

A husband walks into Frederick’s of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.- He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, “I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I’ll not put it on, do the modeling naked and return it the next day and get a $500 refund for myself.

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, “Good Lord! You’d think that for $500, they’d at least iron it!”

Funeral Services are pending.