Too Weak for Two Weeks
Tuesday June 06th 2006, 12:11 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Love & Marriage,Sex Jokes

Three couples – one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed – were interested in joining the church. The priest said, “We have special requirements for new members. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.” The couples agreed to the terms and they all came back at the end of the two week period.

The priest went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The old man replied, “No problem at all, Father.”

“Congratulations, you are now members of the church!” said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The middle-aged man replied, “The first week wasn’t too bad. The second week I ended up having to sleep on the couch for a few nights, but yes, we made it.”

“Congratulations you are now members of the church!” said the priest.

Finally, the priest went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Were you two newlyweds able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”

“No Father, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly.

“What happened?” asked the priest.

“My wife was reaching for a can of soup on the top shelf and she dropped it,” said the man. “When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

“I see. Unfortunately this means you will not be welcomed into our church,” said the priest.

“We know,” said the couple. “We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”



Horse of a Different Color
Wednesday April 20th 2005, 6:24 pm
Filed under: Love & Marriage

He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.

“Ouch!! What was that for?” he asked.

“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replied.

“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained.

“Oh honey, I’m so sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came too, he asked, “Now what the hell was that for?”

She replied, “Your horse called”.



Not Scared
Sunday April 17th 2005, 8:50 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Love & Marriage

It was a few minutes before the services started. The congregation was seated in the pews and talking quietly. Without warning, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman. The man sat calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in front of him.

Satan walked right up to the old man and said, “Do you know who I am?

The man replied, “Yes, I sure do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

“No, sure ain’t.” said the old gentleman.

“Do you know I can kill you with a single word?”, asked Satan.

“I don’t doubt it for a minute,” replied the old man, in an even tone.

“Don’t you realize that I could cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?” persisted Satan.

“Yes,” was the calm reply.

“And yet you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.

“Nope,” replied the man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well then, why aren’t you afraid of me”?

The old man looked Satan right in the eye and replied, “I’ve been married to your sister for 52 years.”



Proof of Age
Wednesday April 13th 2005, 6:50 pm
Filed under: Golden Years,Love & Marriage

A retired man went into the social security office to apply for social security.

After waiting in line for what seemed like hours he finally got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the her that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.

The woman says, “Please unbutton your shirt.”

So he unbuttons his shirt revealing a chest covered in grey hair.

She says, “That grey hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she approved his social security application.

When he got home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

His wife replied, “You should have dropped your pants, you would have qualified for disability, too.”



Still Hot After 50 Years
Tuesday April 12th 2005, 4:10 pm
Filed under: Golden Years,Love & Marriage

An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary.

“You know” she said, “We were sitting in this very kitchen across from each other 50 years ago.”

“Yep” he said, “But we were probably naked.”

“So let’s get naked now!” she suggested.

So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.

“You know” she said with a horny grin “My boobs feel just as hot for you today as they felt 50 years ago.”

He replied “I’m sure they do. One is in your coffee and the other one is in your oatmeal!”



Ice Cream
Saturday April 09th 2005, 11:46 am
Filed under: Love & Marriage,Sex Jokes

A middle aged wife had just returned to the house on a Sunday afternoon after her shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been extremely rude.

It seems she was sitting down while he was helping her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any panties under her dress.

Without even thinking, the salesman blurted out, “If that thing was full of ice cream, I’d eat every bite.”

Well, the woman was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.

The husband just sat there, watching the football game on TV, and shrugged his shoulders. The wife became furious, and insisted on knowing why he didn’t go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman to defend her honor.

“Well”, the husband replied, “There are three reasons I won’t get in a fight with that guy. First of all, you shouldn’t have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole closet full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no panties on. But most of all, I’m not going to fight anyone who’s big enough to eat that much ice cream!”



Lamaze Class
Friday April 08th 2005, 10:12 am
Filed under: Love & Marriage

A newly pregnant couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity that required the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an understanding of what it feels like to be pregnant.

The husband stood up and shrugged saying, “This doesn’t feel so bad.”

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

“You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?” the husband asked.

“That’s right,” replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”



Putting It In
Wednesday April 06th 2005, 10:02 am
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Love & Marriage,Sex Jokes

A married man went to confession and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another married woman.”

The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”

The man said, “Well, we got naked and rubbed our bodies together, but then we stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the donation box.”

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the donation box.

He paused for a second and then started to leave.

The priest quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the donation box!”

The man replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in.”



Shoulda Bought a Hat
Tuesday April 05th 2005, 7:07 pm
Filed under: Golden Years,Love & Marriage

An elderly couple, John and Betty, are in Texas for the winter. John always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife: “Notice anything different about me?”

Betty looks him over and says, “Nope.”

Frustrated, John storms off into the bathroom, strips and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?”

Betty looks up and says, “John, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, John yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, BETTY? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!”

To which Betty replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, John. Shoulda bought a hat.”



Age Difference
Tuesday April 05th 2005, 6:57 pm
Filed under: Golden Years,Love & Marriage,Sex Jokes

At 90 years of age, Henry marries Lisa, a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old, Lisa decides that on their wedding night, she and Henry are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together having sex.

After the wedding and reception are over, Lisa prepares herself for bed, and for the expected visit from her new husband. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well. Henry goes back to his room and Lisa prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lisa hears another knock on the bedroom door. Henry’s ready for more action! Somewhat surprised, Lisa consents to further love making. When the newlyweds are done, Henry kisses Lisa, bids her good night, and leaves.

Lisa is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Henry, as fresh as a 25 year old stud and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Henry is once again set to leave, his young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that you’re able to go at it all night at your age, honey. I’ve been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You’re a great lover, Henry.”

Henry, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lisa and says, “You mean I was here already?”