Where’s a Lawyer When You Need One?
Monday May 29th 2006, 9:57 am
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Lawyer Jokes

An engineer dies and ends up at the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his list and says, “Ah, I see you’re an engineer, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong place.”

So, the engineer is sent to the gates of hell and is let in. The engineer quickly became unhappy with the comfort level in hell. He started designing and building several improvements. Before long, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and other amenities. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the phone and asks sarcastically, “Hey there Satan, how’s it going down there in hell these days?”

Satan responds, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and that’s just a start! There’s no telling what this engineer you sent down here is going to come up with next!”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That must have been a mistake! He should never have gotten down there so please send him back.”

Satan says, “No way in hell! I like having an engineer down here, and I plan on keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back right now or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs so hard he can barely reply, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?”

Alligator Food
Tuesday March 15th 2005, 7:35 pm
Filed under: Lawyer Jokes

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, I can’t unnerstand how you can be so much bigger ‘n me. We’re the same age, we was the same size as kids…I just don’t get it.”

“Well,” said the big ‘gator, “What you been eatin’?”

“Lawyers, same as you,” replied the small ‘gator.

“Hmm. Well, where do y’all catch ‘em?”

“Down at ‘tother side of the swamp near the parkin’ lot of that law firm.”

“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch ‘em?”

“Well, I crawls up under one of them BMWer’s and wait fer someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab ‘em on the leg, shake the livin shit out of ‘em, and then eat ‘em!”

“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. You ain’t gettin’ any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the shit out of a lawyer, there ain’t nothin’ left but lips and a briefcase.”

The Blonde and the Lawyer
Sunday March 13th 2005, 8:38 pm
Filed under: Blonde Jokes,Lawyer Jokes

A lawyer and a blond were sitting next to each other on the long flight from Melbourne to Perth. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to sleep so she politely declines and faces the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains “I’ll ask you a question and if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5 and vice versa.”

Again she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5 and if I don’t know the answer I will pay you $500.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and figuring that there will be no end to the torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question, “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde does not say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now it’s her turn.

She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

The lawyer throws her a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all references. Frustrated, he emails all his friends and co-workers, nobody has any help. After three hours, while the plane is getting ready to land, he wakes the blonde and hands her the $500.

The blonde thanks him and puts it in her purse. The lawyer, who is more than miffed, says “OK” and asks, “Well, so what’s the answer?”

Without a word she reaches into her purse again and hands him $5.

Heart Trouble
Monday March 07th 2005, 2:12 pm
Filed under: Lawyer Jokes

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.

“I do have three hearts,” said the doctor. “The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It’s $100,000.

The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It’s $150,000.

The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It’s $500,000.”

“Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!”

“Yes, but it’s from a laywer. It’s never been used.”