Male or Female?
Tuesday March 22nd 2005, 11:28 pm
Filed under: Jokes for Men,Jokes for Women,Misc. Jokes

Ziploc Bags: They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers: They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective productive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tire: Male, because it goes bald and it’s often over-inflated.

Hot Air Balloon: Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.

Sponges: Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.

Web Page: Female, because it’s always getting hit on

Subway: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Hourglass: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammer: Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.

Remote Control: Female. You thought it’d be male but consider this; it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.



The Right Woman for the Job
Sunday March 20th 2005, 10:13 pm
Filed under: Jokes for Men,Jokes for Women,Love & Marriage

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

“This gun is loaded with blanks”, she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Moral: Women are evil. Don’t mess with them.



Bob’s Last Letter
Sunday March 20th 2005, 10:05 pm
Filed under: Jokes for Men,Jokes for Women,Love & Marriage

Dear Friends: It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell.

Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I got laid off from my consulting job and took “early retirement” in April, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper.

I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren’t cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can’t make another trip down those steps. I don’t make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it.

Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday’s or Saturday’s poker club or to Tuesday’s or Thursday’s bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.

Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods.

She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I’m not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

Signed, Bob

Bob’s funeral was on Saturday, January 25th.

Nancy was acquitted Monday, January 27th.



How to Shower
Monday March 14th 2005, 7:38 pm
Filed under: Jokes for Men,Jokes for Women,Love & Marriage

How to shower like a woman:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and coloured.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

3. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

4. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups.

5. Get in shower.

6. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

7. Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

8. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.

9. Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.

10. Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.

11. Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash.

12. Shave armpits and legs.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower.

16. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

17. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

18. Check entire body for spots, tweeze hairs.

19. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

20. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.

How to shower like a man:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.

2. Leave in a pile.

3. Walk naked to the bathroom.

4. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making woo-hoo sound.

5. Look at manly physique in the mirror.

6. Admire size of your willy and scratch your ass.

7. Get in the shower.

8. Wash your face.

9. Wash your armpits.

10. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

11. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

12. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

13. Wash your butt leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap.

14. Shampoo hair.

15. Make shampoo mohawk.

16. Pee.

17. Rinse off and get out of shower.

18. Partially dry-off.

19. Fail to notice water on floor.

20. Admire willy size in mirror again.

21. Leave shower door open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

22. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

23. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make woo-hoo noise again.

24. Throw wet towel on bed.



Why Men Lie
Sunday March 13th 2005, 12:42 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Jokes for Men,Jokes for Women,Love & Marriage

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?” The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

“Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, “No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.

“Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.

“Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”

“Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.

“Is this your wife?” the Lord asked.

“Yes,” cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The woodcutter replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT’S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez.”

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.



Learning to Speak Womanese
Friday March 11th 2005, 10:55 pm
Filed under: Jokes for Men,Love & Marriage

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks — this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade

NOTHING
This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards! “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine”

GO AHEAD (Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care” You will get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. “Soft Sighs” mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content

THAT’S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow.”

GO AHEAD

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you’re welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing”



Woman Golfers
Friday March 11th 2005, 10:41 pm
Filed under: Golf Jokes,Jokes for Men

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

“Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked, “How does that feel?”

He replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”



Some Assembly Required
Friday March 11th 2005, 6:39 pm
Filed under: Jokes for Men,Love & Marriage

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”

He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooooooooooo much cheaper. So I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she”



A Casualty of Marriage
Friday March 11th 2005, 11:44 am
Filed under: Jokes for Men,Love & Marriage

One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife.

“How lovely, dear,” she said, “What’s the occasion?”

“I want to make love to you” he said simply.

“Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.”

The next night, Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her.

“I’m awfully tired, honey” said his wife. “Not tonight.”

Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife’s answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.

“How adorable, Jerry,” she exclaimed. “But what are they for?”

“These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy.



Quickies
Wednesday March 09th 2005, 5:23 pm
Filed under: Jokes for Men

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me..”

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.