Too Weak for Two Weeks
Tuesday June 06th 2006, 12:11 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Love & Marriage,Sex Jokes

Three couples – one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed – were interested in joining the church. The priest said, “We have special requirements for new members. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.” The couples agreed to the terms and they all came back at the end of the two week period.

The priest went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The old man replied, “No problem at all, Father.”

“Congratulations, you are now members of the church!” said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The middle-aged man replied, “The first week wasn’t too bad. The second week I ended up having to sleep on the couch for a few nights, but yes, we made it.”

“Congratulations you are now members of the church!” said the priest.

Finally, the priest went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Were you two newlyweds able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”

“No Father, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly.

“What happened?” asked the priest.

“My wife was reaching for a can of soup on the top shelf and she dropped it,” said the man. “When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

“I see. Unfortunately this means you will not be welcomed into our church,” said the priest.

“We know,” said the couple. “We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”



Where’s a Lawyer When You Need One?
Monday May 29th 2006, 9:57 am
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Lawyer Jokes

An engineer dies and ends up at the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his list and says, “Ah, I see you’re an engineer, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong place.”

So, the engineer is sent to the gates of hell and is let in. The engineer quickly became unhappy with the comfort level in hell. He started designing and building several improvements. Before long, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and other amenities. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the phone and asks sarcastically, “Hey there Satan, how’s it going down there in hell these days?”

Satan responds, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and that’s just a start! There’s no telling what this engineer you sent down here is going to come up with next!”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That must have been a mistake! He should never have gotten down there so please send him back.”

Satan says, “No way in hell! I like having an engineer down here, and I plan on keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back right now or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs so hard he can barely reply, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?”



All About Results
Wednesday April 20th 2005, 6:20 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies: “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,” Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years.”

St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ”

“Just one minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we look at results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed.”



Not Scared
Sunday April 17th 2005, 8:50 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Love & Marriage

It was a few minutes before the services started. The congregation was seated in the pews and talking quietly. Without warning, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman. The man sat calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in front of him.

Satan walked right up to the old man and said, “Do you know who I am?

The man replied, “Yes, I sure do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

“No, sure ain’t.” said the old gentleman.

“Do you know I can kill you with a single word?”, asked Satan.

“I don’t doubt it for a minute,” replied the old man, in an even tone.

“Don’t you realize that I could cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?” persisted Satan.

“Yes,” was the calm reply.

“And yet you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.

“Nope,” replied the man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well then, why aren’t you afraid of me”?

The old man looked Satan right in the eye and replied, “I’ve been married to your sister for 52 years.”



The Evils of Water Skiing
Saturday April 16th 2005, 4:26 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Misc. Jokes,Sex Jokes

A preacher became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was going water skiing on Sunday, rather than coming to church, so he said to his wife, “This Sunday, I’m going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sunday.”

“What!” she exclaimed. “That’s a silly thing to preach about!”

“I don’t think so,” he said, “it’s a problem we need to address.”

The next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asks the preacher what he was going to preach about.

“I already told you,” he said, “I’m going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays.”

“That’s idiotic!” the wife says. “First of all, it’s a stupid sermon topic, and second, the people who need to hear it won’t be at church!

Why don’t you preach about sex or something people are interested in?”

“Nope. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays, and that’s what I’m going to preach about” he said firmly.

The wife says, “Well, I’m not going to sit through a stupid sermon like that. I’m going to stay in the car. You can tell the congregation I’m sick or something.” And she stayed in the car.

As the preacher was walking from the car to his study at the church, he started thinking his wife might be right, and he changed his mind and gave a brilliant sermon on the proper role of sex in modern society.

When the service was over, one of the parishioners stopped by the preacher’s car and said to the pastor’s wife, “I’m sorry you’re not feeling well this morning. Your husband gave the finest sermon today that he’s ever given since coming to this parish.”

“I don’t know why he thinks he’s such an expert on the subject,” the wife snapped.

“He’s only tried it twice, and he fell off both times.”



Putting It In
Wednesday April 06th 2005, 10:02 am
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Love & Marriage,Sex Jokes

A married man went to confession and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another married woman.”

The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”

The man said, “Well, we got naked and rubbed our bodies together, but then we stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the donation box.”

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the donation box.

He paused for a second and then started to leave.

The priest quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the donation box!”

The man replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in.”



A Costly Mistake
Monday March 28th 2005, 5:19 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Misc. Jokes,Say What?

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all subsequent copies.

The head abbot replies, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

So, the head monk goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by, and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young new monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for the elder monk. He sees him banging his head against the floor. His forehead is all bloody and bruised, and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word is celebrate!”



Plan B
Saturday March 26th 2005, 7:26 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell

There was this church that had a very big busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played and they distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled – something had to be done about them or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to put alum on them and maybe they would shrink in size. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister stood up in the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol , we will not hath a thermon today.”



Salvation
Friday March 25th 2005, 7:24 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Sex Jokes

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath, and young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

“Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been saved.”

“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun.

“Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now?” said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, “And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more evenly.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

That wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”



Sinking the Putt
Monday March 21st 2005, 7:08 pm
Filed under: Golf Jokes,Heaven & Hell

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

“Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”

Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, “Sure,” and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.”

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”

Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay.” And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”

“Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” the golfer replies, “I’m Father O’Malley.”