Switch Hands
Wednesday March 30th 2005, 9:49 pm
Filed under: Doctor's Office,Golf Jokes,Sex Jokes

A pro golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

“I have some good news and some bad news.” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”

“Oh god no!” cries the man. “My career is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”

“The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm! I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant”

“Go for it doc” says the man. “As long as I can play golf again.”

The operation went well and 6 months later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.

“Just great” says the business man. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.”

“That’s great.” said the surgeon.

“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors”

“Unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a success.”

“Well there is one problem,” said the golfer, “every time I try to jerk off I get a headache!”



The Rules of Golf
Wednesday March 23rd 2005, 9:47 pm
Filed under: Golf Jokes

Rule 1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. Player should not be penalized for uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

Rule 2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and can play the ball from there.

Rule 3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty stroke.

Rule 4. If a putt passes over a hole without dropping it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.

Rule 5. Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6. There is no penalty for so-called “out of bounds.” If penny pinching golf club owners bought sufficient land this would not occur. The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7. There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard as golf balls should float. That they do not is a technical problem that manufacturers have yet to overcome. Golfers should not be punished for manufacturer’s shortcomings.

Rule 8. Advertisements proclaim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes etc. Since this is financially impossible for the average Senior Golfer, a stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.



Sinking the Putt
Monday March 21st 2005, 7:08 pm
Filed under: Golf Jokes,Heaven & Hell

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

“Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”

Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, “Sure,” and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.”

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”

Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay.” And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”

“Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” the golfer replies, “I’m Father O’Malley.”



Woman Golfers
Friday March 11th 2005, 10:41 pm
Filed under: Golf Jokes,Jokes for Men

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

“Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked, “How does that feel?”

He replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”



Fore!
Friday March 11th 2005, 10:05 am
Filed under: Golf Jokes,Love & Marriage

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises,two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well,” the man says, “it’s like this; I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it–stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my big mistake.”

“What did you do?” the doctor asks.

“Well.” the man replies, “I lifted the cow’s tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!” “I don’t remember much after that!”



They Think of Everything
Wednesday March 09th 2005, 5:40 pm
Filed under: Golf Jokes

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

“Top of the mornin’ to you, sir,” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are those?” asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees,” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on God’s earth are they for?” inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving,” says Tiger.

“Holy Shit!,” says the Irishman. “BMW thinks of everything!”



Cheating Wife
Monday March 07th 2005, 5:11 pm
Filed under: Golf Jokes,Love & Marriage

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”

“Yes,” says the woman.

“Did you hit him with that golf club?”

“Yes, yes, I did.” The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

“How many times did you hit him?”

“I don’t know, five, six, maybe seven times… just put me down for a five.”



Praying Golf
Monday March 07th 2005, 5:08 pm
Filed under: Golf Jokes,Heaven & Hell

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole, my son?”

The young man says, “An 8-iron, father. How about you?”

The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, “I don’t know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.”



Jack
Monday March 07th 2005, 5:05 pm
Filed under: Golf Jokes

A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, “You are spectacular, and your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What’s your secret?”

Nicklaus replied, “The holes are numbered.”



Flip a Coin
Monday March 07th 2005, 5:02 pm
Filed under: Golf Jokes

A golfer asked his friend, “Why are you so late?”

The friend replied, “It’s Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church and playing golf, and it took 25 tosses to get it right!”