Diary of a Cat
Sunday April 10th 2005, 8:58 pm
Filed under: Dogs & Cats

Day 542: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal that has the consistency of rocks. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant.

Day 546: Today my attempt to kill my humans by weaving around their feet while they were walking was almost successful. I must try this tactic at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse my vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. The bed will be next.

Day 550: I decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only condescended about what a good little cat I was. This is obviously not working according to plan

Day 558: I slept all day so that I could awake my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at all hours of the night.

Day 562: I am finally aware of how sadistic they really are. For no good reason I was subjected to water torture. This time however it included a burning, foul smelling chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 570: There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of “allergies”. I must learn what this “allergies” power is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 575: I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and are most likely informants for the humans. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be a snitch. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports on my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured, for now. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.



The Talking Dog
Monday March 21st 2005, 7:56 pm
Filed under: Dogs & Cats,Misc. Jokes

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift at a pretty young age and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. I married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed! He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, “ten bucks and the dog is yours.”

The guy says he’ll buy him but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?”

The owner replies, “because he’s such a damn liar!”



A Dog’s Letter to God
Friday March 18th 2005, 10:21 pm
Filed under: Dogs & Cats,Heaven & Hell

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it going to be the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the ‘Chrysler Eagle’ the ‘Chrysler Beagle’?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signal whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:

1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. I will not munch on “leftovers” in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.

4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

5. The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad’s laps.

6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

8. I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and registration.

9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

10. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is not an acceptable way of saying ‘hello.’

11. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.

12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

13. I will not throw up in the car.

14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.

16. The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

And, finally my last question;

Dear God: When I get to Heaven, may I have my testicles back ?



Smarty Cats
Monday March 07th 2005, 5:17 pm
Filed under: Dogs & Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.”

T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.”

Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.”

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?”

The Government Worker called to his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.