Stress Management
Wednesday March 30th 2005, 9:53 pm
Filed under: Daily Grind

Just in case you’ve had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a scade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

Dear Employees
Saturday March 26th 2005, 7:42 pm
Filed under: Daily Grind

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of “TRY SAYING” new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won’t work.

TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a prick.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Come in Late
Sunday March 13th 2005, 12:50 pm
Filed under: Daily Grind

A guy goes to an interview for a job as a government accountant. The interviewer asks him, “Are you a veteran?”

The guy says, “Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam.”

“Good,” says the interviewer, “That counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?”

The guy says, “In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my genitals so they declared me disabled…but it doesn’t affect my ability to work, though.”

“Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in tomorrow about 10, and we’ll get you started.”

The guy says, “If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?”

“Well, here in the government offices, we don’t do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours.

No point of your coming in for that.

Applying for a job
Tuesday March 08th 2005, 10:29 pm
Filed under: Daily Grind,Misc. Jokes

Boudreaux applied for an engineering position at a St. James Parish Refinery.

A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Boudreaux and said: “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the Yankee the job.”

Boudreaux asked: “And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Cajun I should get the job!”

The manager said: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed.”

Boudreaux then asked: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”

The manager replied: “Boudreaux its like this, on question #4, the Yankee put down; “I don’t know” and you put down, “Neither do I”

Doin’ Time
Tuesday March 08th 2005, 10:21 pm
Filed under: Daily Grind

IN PRISON: you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK: you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 desk cubicle.

IN PRISON: you get three meals a day.
AT WORK: you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON: you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON: the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON: you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON: you get your own toilet.
AT WORK: you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON: they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: you can’t even speak to your family on the phone.

IN PRISON: the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK: you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON: you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK: they are called managers.

Have a Great Day at WORK!
I’m going to PRISON !!!

Army Issue
Tuesday March 08th 2005, 7:52 pm
Filed under: Daily Grind

Thirty-four years ago, Wylie Johnson, a Tennessee mountain man was drafted by the Army.

On his first day of boot camp, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.

On the second day, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.

On the third day, he was issued a jock strap. The Army is still looking for him.

Firing the Slackers
Monday March 07th 2005, 10:10 am
Filed under: Daily Grind

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.

The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks – “and how much money do you make a week?”

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $200.00 a week……. Why?” The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, “Here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks “Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “He’s the pizza delivery guy.”

Company Fitness Program
Monday March 07th 2005, 10:07 am
Filed under: Daily Grind

When an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the human resources manager replied, “Oh, our employees don’t need one. They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, stabbing others in their backs and pushing their luck!”

Performance Appraisal Translator
Monday March 07th 2005, 10:03 am
Filed under: Daily Grind

Great Presentation Skills = Able to bullshit

Good Communication Skills = Always on the phone

Average Employee = Not too bright

Exceptionally Well Qualified = No major blunders (yet)

Work is First Priority = Too ugly to get a date

Active Socially = Drinks a lot

Family is Active Socially = Spouse drinks, too

Independent Worker = Nobody knows what he/she does

Quick Thinking = Offers plausible excuses

Careful Thinker = Won’t make a decision

Agressive = Obnoxious

Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs = Gets someone else to do it

Expresses Themselves Well = Speaks English

Meticulous Attention to Detail = A nit picker

Has Leadership Qulaities = Is tall or has a loud voice

Exceptionally Good Judgement = Lucky

Keen Sense of Humor = Knows a lot of dirty jokes

Career Minded = Back Stabber

Loyal = Can’t get a job anywhere else