Fast Grannies
Tuesday April 12th 2005, 4:03 pm
Filed under: Cops & Robbers,Golden Years

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, said,”Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?”

“Ma’am,” the officer said, “you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous”.

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour”, the old woman said proudly.

The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over.”

“Oh! they’ll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142!”



Jesus is Watching You
Tuesday March 08th 2005, 10:44 pm
Filed under: Cops & Robbers

A burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened home, filling his bag with various valuables. As he reached his hand out to a box of jewelry, he heard a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”

Shaken, the burglar stopped. For a full minute he didn’t dare breathe.

Finally, he switched on his flashlight and carefully played it around the room but saw nothing. Convinced that it must have been his imagination, he turned off the flashlight and continued in his quest for another man’s wealth. He was busily unhooking a stereo set when he again heard, “Jesus is watching you.”

This time he nearly jumped out of his skin, he was so freaked out. Beads of sweat popped out on his face, and as he switched the light on again, the beam shook violently from his terror. He looked about the room and noticed a bird cage in the corner. Upon closer inspection, he discovered a parrot in the cage.

“Are you the one that spoke to me just now?” asked the burglar.

“Yes, I am,” said the parrot.

“Why did you say ‘Jesus is watching you’?'” asked the man.

“Because I felt like you needed to be warned,” replied the parrot.

By this time, the man was over his fright and was more than a little irritated at this smart-mouthed parrot that had tried to scare him.

“What’s your name?” asked the burglar.

“Moses,” the parrot said.

“Ha,” the man said, guffawing. “What kind of people would name their parrot Moses?”

“The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.”



Old Country Sheriff
Monday March 07th 2005, 10:02 am
Filed under: Cops & Robbers

There was an old country sheriff who always said, “It could have been worse.” No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had the same answer: “It could have been worse.”

One day, two deputies in the Sheriff’s Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death.

When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

“No doubt about it,” one deputy said to the other. “This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.”

“You’re right,” the other deputy replied. “Double murder and suicide. But I’ll bet you when the sheriff gets here he’s going to say ‘it could have been worse.’”

“No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn’t be worse. You’re on.”

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side.

“No doubt about it,” the sheriff said, shaking his head. “It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.”

After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. “But, you know,” he said, “it could have been worse.”

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, “Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn’t have been worse.”

“Yes it could,” the sheriff retorted. “You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!



Monday March 07th 2005, 10:00 am
Filed under: Cops & Robbers

The Officer says, ” I clocked you at 80 mph. sir.”

The driver says, “Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you keep your mouth shut for once?”

The wife smiles demurely and says, ” You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

“Dammit woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut.”

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”

The driver says, “Yeah, ! well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

The wife says,” Now dear you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”

“Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he’s been drinking”.