First Class Blonde
Saturday April 09th 2005, 11:58 am
Filed under: Blonde Jokes,Misc. Jokes

A beautiful blonde woman stepped onto an airplane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The stewardess proceeded to go around checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the blonde woman she noticed that it was for coach seating, not first class.

She tells the woman, “You’re ticket says coach and we have a full flight today. I’m going to have to ask you to move.”

To which the blonde woman replies, “You don’t understand, I’m blonde, beautiful, I’m going to L.A. and I’m getting there in first class.”

Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the blonde woman that she must move.

Again, the blonde replies, “You don’t understand, I’m blonde, beautiful, I’m going to L.A. and I’m getting there in first class.”

Also confused, they go get the captain of the plane. He tells the blonde woman that she must move.

The blonde starts to say, “You don’t understand, I’m blonde, beautiful, I’m…” when the captain interrupts and asks, “Can I whisper something in your ear?”

“Sure.” she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear.

Suddenly the blonde woman gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face.

The flight attendants are startled. “How did you get her to move?”

The captain said, “I told her that first class isn’t going to L.A.”

Sex Frogs for Sale
Saturday April 09th 2005, 11:53 am
Filed under: Blonde Jokes,Sex Jokes

A beautiful blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks around the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs for Sale! Only $10 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions!

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s looking and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.” The man packaged the frog and said, “Please follow the instructions carefully.”

The blonde nods in agreement, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she takes out the instructions and reads them very carefully, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into some sexy lingerie.
4. Get into bed and position the frog in place.

The blonde quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise and disappointment, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom it says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.” So she calls the pet store.

The pet store owner says, “I had some complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over.”

Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn frog just sits there.”

The pet store owner, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”

The Blonde Man
Friday April 01st 2005, 7:03 pm
Filed under: Blonde Jokes

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

As they were eating lunch the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building!”

The Mexican opened his lunch box and complained, “burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”

The blond opened his lunch and said, “bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping right off of this building!”

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and proceeded to jump to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped of the side of the building.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman’s wife was crying. She said, “If only I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!”

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him enchiladas or tacos! I never knew he hated burritos so much!”

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde man’s wife.

“Hey, don’t look at me,” she said, “he makes his own lunch.”

Blonde Ice Fishing
Friday April 01st 2005, 6:57 pm
Filed under: Blonde Jokes,Misc. Jokes

This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She had seen many books and videos on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary equipment together, she headed to the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfortable on her ice fishing stool, she started to cut a circle into the ice.

Suddenly, from above, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!” Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of coffee, and began to cut another hole. Again, from above, the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “Is that you, Lord?”

The voice replied, “NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!

Blonde Rents a Skin Flick
Thursday March 31st 2005, 10:00 pm
Filed under: Blonde Jokes,Sex Jokes

A blonde named Shelly decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn’t done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment, there’s nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Shelly: “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape but static.”

Clerk: “Sorry about that. We’ve had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?”

Shelly: “Head Cleaner.”

She is So Blonde
Monday March 28th 2005, 5:14 pm
Filed under: Blonde Jokes

She is so blonde that…

She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
On a job application where it says “Sign here:” she wrote “Sagittarius.”
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
Under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.”
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said “Concentrate.”
She told me to meet her at the corner of “Walk” and “Don’t Walk”.
She tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
She studied for a blood test.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, “Airport Left,” she went home.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said “TGIF,” which she thought stood for “This Goes In Front.”
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company

The Blonde and the Lawyer
Sunday March 13th 2005, 8:38 pm
Filed under: Blonde Jokes,Lawyer Jokes

A lawyer and a blond were sitting next to each other on the long flight from Melbourne to Perth. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to sleep so she politely declines and faces the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains “I’ll ask you a question and if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5 and vice versa.”

Again she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5 and if I don’t know the answer I will pay you $500.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and figuring that there will be no end to the torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question, “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde does not say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now it’s her turn.

She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

The lawyer throws her a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all references. Frustrated, he emails all his friends and co-workers, nobody has any help. After three hours, while the plane is getting ready to land, he wakes the blonde and hands her the $500.

The blonde thanks him and puts it in her purse. The lawyer, who is more than miffed, says “OK” and asks, “Well, so what’s the answer?”

Without a word she reaches into her purse again and hands him $5.

A Blonde in a Blizzard
Thursday March 10th 2005, 10:06 pm
Filed under: Blonde Jokes

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy’s advice that, if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and, sure enough, in a little while a snowplow came by and she started to follow it. As she followed the plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she wasn’t having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite some time had passed. she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped, the driver got out, came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.

She replied she was fine and told him of her daddy’s advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Target next.

Always Bet On Blonde
Tuesday March 08th 2005, 7:50 pm
Filed under: Blonde Jokes

Homer walked into a sports bar around 10 o’clock. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Homer and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

Homer says,”You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

Homer placed 20 bucks on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her 20 bucks to Homer, saying, “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

Homer replied, “I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.”

The blonde replies, “I did too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”

Homer took the money…

Jigsaw Puzzle
Monday March 07th 2005, 10:00 am
Filed under: Blonde Jokes

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me…I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” the girl says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He held her hand and said, “Second, I’d advise you to relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, then ………..” he sighed, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”