Five Stages of Drunk
Stage 1 = SMART: This is when you become an expert on everything known to mankind. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are ALWAYS RIGHT and of course the person you are talking to is ALWAYS WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both people are SMART.
Stage 2 = GOOD LOOKING: This is when you realize that you are the most attractive person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bare in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 = RICH: This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked outside the bar. You can also make large bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 = BULLET PROOF: You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 = INVISIBLE: This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because no one can see you. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.
What a Coincidence
A man sat at a local bar and said, “This is a special day, I’m celebrating.”
“What a coincidence,” said the woman next to him. “I’m celebrating, too” she replied, clinking glasses with him. “What are your celebrating?”
“I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally fertile.”
“What a coincidence”, the woman said. “My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!”
“How did your chickens become fertile?” she asked.
“I switched cocks,” he replied.
“What a coincidence,” she said.
Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid it, and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.
Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.
The officer approaches Paddy’s car and asks him what on earth he was doing.
Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says,
“Fer crissakes, Paddy, that’s yer air freshener!”
Baptizing a Drunk
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk answers, “Yes, I am.”
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”
The preacher shocked at the answer; dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,”Have you found Jesus, my brother?”
The drunk again answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again. This time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and yells to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
It Wasn’t Me
Two buddies, John and Bill, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly John throws up all over himself.
“Oh, no. Now Julie will kill me!”
Bill says, “Don’t worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your shirt pocket, tell Sheila that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.”
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually John rolls into home and Julie starts to give him a hard time.
“You reek of alcohol and you’ve puked all over yourself! My God, you’re disgusting!”
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, John says, “Nowainaminit, I can e’splain everytin! Ish snot wha chew tink. I only had a cuppla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me. He had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was ver rry sorry an’ gave me twenny bucks for da cleanin’ bill!”
Julie looks in the breast pocket and says, “But this is forty bucks.”
“Oh, yeah…I almos’ fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too!
The Big Game Hunter
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.” Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?”
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe.”
A guy is sitting at the bar for half an hour staring at his drink when a big trouble-making truck driver walks in and sits next to him, grabs his drink, and gulps it down in one swig. The poor guy starts crying.
“Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time,” says the truck driver, “I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life,” says the guy between sobs. “I can’t do anything right. I overslept. I was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my truck was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab.
At home I found my wife in bed with the mailman. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my miserable life, and then you show up and drink the fucking poison!”
3 Guys in a Bar
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, “Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.”
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from, there’s this place called Warshowski’s. At Warshowski’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”
“Wow!” say the other two. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”
“No,” replies the Polish guy, “but it happened to my sister!”