Bear Hunting
Tuesday June 13th 2006, 10:53 am
Filed under: Misc. Jokes,Sex Jokes

John just bought a new rifle and he couldn’t wait to try it out. He decided he would try his hand at hunting bears. On his hunting trip, John spotted a small brown bear and shot it. A couple seconds after he shot, John felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a big black bear standing there. The black bear said, “That was my cousin you shot. You’ve got two choices; either I maul you to death or we have sex.”

After considering his options for a moment, John reluctantly decided to have sex with the bear. Even though he was sore for two weeks, John soon recovered and vowed to get his revenge on the big black bear.

John headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Again he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to find a big grizzly bear standing right next to him. The grizzly said, “You’ve made a big mistake, John. That black bear was my cousin and now you’ve got two choices; either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.” Once again, John agreed to the sex.

John barely survived and it took several months for him to recover. He was determined to get his revenge on the grizzly. John headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. Finally, revenge was his, but then there was yet another tap on his shoulder! John turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him with a sneer and said, “Admit it, John, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

A Lesson In Politics
Friday June 09th 2006, 1:34 pm
Filed under: Politics

One day a son asks his dad, “What can you tell me about politics? I’m supposed to learn about it for school.”

The father thinks for a moment and replies, “Well son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let’s say that I’m the capitalist because I make the money. Your mom will be the government because she controls everything, the maid will be the working class because she works for us, you get to be the people because you answer to us, and your baby sister will be the future. Does that make sense?”

The boy said, “Well, Dad, I’m not sure. I’ll have to sleep on it and let you know.”

That night, after the family had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby sister’s crying. He went to check on her and discovered that she had a dirty diaper. So the boy he went down the hall to his parent’s room and found his dad’s side of the bed empty and his mom wouldn’t wake up. He saw a light on in the guest room down the hall so he went to check it out. When the boy reached the door, he saw through the crack that his dad was in bed with the family’s maid. The boy turned around and went back to bed.

The next morning, the boy said to his dad at the breakfast table, “Dad, I think I understand politics now.”

“Excellent, son,” he answered, “What have you learned?”

The boy thought for a moment and said, “I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep and ignoring the people, and the future is full of shit!”

Too Weak for Two Weeks
Tuesday June 06th 2006, 12:11 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Love & Marriage,Sex Jokes

Three couples – one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed – were interested in joining the church. The priest said, “We have special requirements for new members. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.” The couples agreed to the terms and they all came back at the end of the two week period.

The priest went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The old man replied, “No problem at all, Father.”

“Congratulations, you are now members of the church!” said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The middle-aged man replied, “The first week wasn’t too bad. The second week I ended up having to sleep on the couch for a few nights, but yes, we made it.”

“Congratulations you are now members of the church!” said the priest.

Finally, the priest went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Were you two newlyweds able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”

“No Father, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly.

“What happened?” asked the priest.

“My wife was reaching for a can of soup on the top shelf and she dropped it,” said the man. “When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

“I see. Unfortunately this means you will not be welcomed into our church,” said the priest.

“We know,” said the couple. “We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”

Nice to Meet You!
Monday June 05th 2006, 2:09 pm
Filed under: Sex Jokes

A man is at the desk in a hotel lobby. As he turns around to leave, he bumps into an attractive woman standing behind him. Unfortunately his elbow hit her square in the breast. The two of them are both pretty startled by the incident. The man turns to the woman and says, “Miss, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I just know you’ll forgive me.” To which the woman replies, “Sir, if your penis is as hard as your elbow, you can find me in room 234.”