A married man went to confession and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another married woman.”

The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”

The man said, “Well, we got naked and rubbed our bodies together, but then we stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the donation box.”

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the donation box.

He paused for a second and then started to leave.

The priest quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the donation box!”

The man replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in.”

Bill and Elaine were patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were strolling past the hospital swimming pool, Bill suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Elaine promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Bill out and brought him to his room.

When the hospital director became aware of Elaine’s heroic act, she immediately recommended that Elaine be discharged from the hospital because she now considered her to be mentally stable.

She went to Elaine and said, “I have some good news and some bad news”.

The good news is that you’re being discharged because you responded so rationally in an emergency situation. By jumping in the pool to save Bill’s life, you displayed sound mindedness. The bad news is that Bill hung himself in his bathroom with his belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.

Elaine replied, “He didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”

An elderly couple, John and Betty, are in Texas for the winter. John always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife: “Notice anything different about me?”

Betty looks him over and says, “Nope.”

Frustrated, John storms off into the bathroom, strips and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?”

Betty looks up and says, “John, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, John yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, BETTY? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!”

To which Betty replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, John. Shoulda bought a hat.”

At 90 years of age, Henry marries Lisa, a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old, Lisa decides that on their wedding night, she and Henry are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together having sex.

After the wedding and reception are over, Lisa prepares herself for bed, and for the expected visit from her new husband. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well. Henry goes back to his room and Lisa prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lisa hears another knock on the bedroom door. Henry’s ready for more action! Somewhat surprised, Lisa consents to further love making. When the newlyweds are done, Henry kisses Lisa, bids her good night, and leaves.

Lisa is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Henry, as fresh as a 25 year old stud and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Henry is once again set to leave, his young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that you’re able to go at it all night at your age, honey. I’ve been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You’re a great lover, Henry.”

Henry, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lisa and says, “You mean I was here already?”

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

As they were eating lunch the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building!”

The Mexican opened his lunch box and complained, “burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”

The blond opened his lunch and said, “bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping right off of this building!”

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and proceeded to jump to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped of the side of the building.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman’s wife was crying. She said, “If only I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!”

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him enchiladas or tacos! I never knew he hated burritos so much!”

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde man’s wife.

“Hey, don’t look at me,” she said, “he makes his own lunch.”

This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She had seen many books and videos on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary equipment together, she headed to the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfortable on her ice fishing stool, she started to cut a circle into the ice.

Suddenly, from above, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!” Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of coffee, and began to cut another hole. Again, from above, the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “Is that you, Lord?”

The voice replied, “NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!

A man goes to a gun shop for a scope for his rifle. The shop owner takes out one, points out the window and says, “this baby is so good, you can see right into my house on that hill way over there.”

The man looks throught the scope into the house and starts laughing.

“Whats so funny?” asks the shop owner.

“Well I see a naked man chasing a naked woman around your house,” replies the customer.

Grabbing the scope back, the shop owner quickly eyes through the sight and sure enough, there is his wife, buck naked being hotly pursued by an excited young man.

Furious, the shop owner says to the man,”if I give you two bullets will you blow my wife’s head off with one and shoot the man’s dick off with the other? I’ll give you the scope for free if you do.”

“Okay,” the man says as he takes out his rifle and attaches the sight. Taking a quick look through the scope before loading, he hands one bullet back.

“You know what?” he says. “I think I can do this with just one shot.”