Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, said,”Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?”

“Ma’am,” the officer said, “you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous”.

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour”, the old woman said proudly.

The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over.”

“Oh! they’ll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142!”

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While they’re having a shot of whiskey, they discuss their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwhich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes obvious that she is in real trouble.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says “Kin ya swaller?”

The woman shakes her head no.

“Kin ya breathe?”

The woman starts to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the choking woman, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties and quickly gives her right ass cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the piece of food flies out of her mouth. As she starts to breathe again, the hillbilly strolls slowly back to the bar.

His buddy says, “Ya’ know, I’d heared of that thar Hind-Lick-Maneuver before, but I ain’t niver seen nobody do it!”

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling self conscious on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. Finally, she had him arrested.

The case went before a court. When asked why he acted in such a rude manner, the man explained, “When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. At first she sat under an advertisement which read, “Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins”. Then she moved under one that read, “Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling.” I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read, “William’s Stick Did The Trick.” Finally, I could no longer control myself when on the fourth move, she sat under sign that read, “Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.” He won the case.

Day 542: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal that has the consistency of rocks. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant.

Day 546: Today my attempt to kill my humans by weaving around their feet while they were walking was almost successful. I must try this tactic at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse my vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. The bed will be next.

Day 550: I decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only condescended about what a good little cat I was. This is obviously not working according to plan

Day 558: I slept all day so that I could awake my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at all hours of the night.

Day 562: I am finally aware of how sadistic they really are. For no good reason I was subjected to water torture. This time however it included a burning, foul smelling chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 570: There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of “allergies”. I must learn what this “allergies” power is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 575: I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and are most likely informants for the humans. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be a snitch. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports on my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured, for now. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

A beautiful blonde woman stepped onto an airplane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The stewardess proceeded to go around checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the blonde woman she noticed that it was for coach seating, not first class.

She tells the woman, “You’re ticket says coach and we have a full flight today. I’m going to have to ask you to move.”

To which the blonde woman replies, “You don’t understand, I’m blonde, beautiful, I’m going to L.A. and I’m getting there in first class.”

Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the blonde woman that she must move.

Again, the blonde replies, “You don’t understand, I’m blonde, beautiful, I’m going to L.A. and I’m getting there in first class.”

Also confused, they go get the captain of the plane. He tells the blonde woman that she must move.

The blonde starts to say, “You don’t understand, I’m blonde, beautiful, I’m…” when the captain interrupts and asks, “Can I whisper something in your ear?”

“Sure.” she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear.

Suddenly the blonde woman gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face.

The flight attendants are startled. “How did you get her to move?”

The captain said, “I told her that first class isn’t going to L.A.”

A beautiful blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks around the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs for Sale! Only $10 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions!

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s looking and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.” The man packaged the frog and said, “Please follow the instructions carefully.”

The blonde nods in agreement, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she takes out the instructions and reads them very carefully, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into some sexy lingerie.
4. Get into bed and position the frog in place.

The blonde quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise and disappointment, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom it says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.” So she calls the pet store.

The pet store owner says, “I had some complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over.”

Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn frog just sits there.”

The pet store owner, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”

A middle aged wife had just returned to the house on a Sunday afternoon after her shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been extremely rude.

It seems she was sitting down while he was helping her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any panties under her dress.

Without even thinking, the salesman blurted out, “If that thing was full of ice cream, I’d eat every bite.”

Well, the woman was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.

The husband just sat there, watching the football game on TV, and shrugged his shoulders. The wife became furious, and insisted on knowing why he didn’t go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman to defend her honor.

“Well”, the husband replied, “There are three reasons I won’t get in a fight with that guy. First of all, you shouldn’t have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole closet full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no panties on. But most of all, I’m not going to fight anyone who’s big enough to eat that much ice cream!”

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vaginal lips are too large.

She asks the doctor to please keep the operation a secret as she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to find out about it.

The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three red roses placed in a vase beside her bed.

Furious, she immediately calls in the doctor and says, “I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!”

“Don’t worry,” he says, “I didn’t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this operation all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she has had the same operation done on herself.”

“Who is the third rose from?” she asked.

The doctor says, “Oh, that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.”

A newly pregnant couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity that required the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an understanding of what it feels like to be pregnant.

The husband stood up and shrugged saying, “This doesn’t feel so bad.”

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

“You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?” the husband asked.

“That’s right,” replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”

There’s a guy from Ireland driving through Europe and a guy from England driving in the opposite direction. In the middle of the night with no other cars around they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Irishman manages to climb out of his car and asses the damages. He looks at his wrecked car and says, “Jasus, I am really lucky to be alive!”

Likewise, the Englishman manages to get out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived!”

The Englishman walks over to the Irishman and says, “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of such rivals.”

The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived the crash.”

So, the Irishman opens his trunk and finds a full bottle of Irish Whiskey.

He says to the Englishman, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found friendship.”

The Englishman says, “You’re damn right!” and he snatches the bottle from the Irishman’s hand and starts sucking down the Irish Whiskey.

After putting away nearly half the bottle, the Englishman hands it back to the Irishman and says, “Your turn!”

The Irishman puts the cap back on the bottle and says,”Nah, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”