Horse of a Different Color
Wednesday April 20th 2005, 6:24 pm
Filed under: Love & Marriage

He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.

“Ouch!! What was that for?” he asked.

“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replied.

“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained.

“Oh honey, I’m so sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came too, he asked, “Now what the hell was that for?”

She replied, “Your horse called”.

All About Results
Wednesday April 20th 2005, 6:20 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies: “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,” Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years.”

St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ”

“Just one minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we look at results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed.”

Not Scared
Sunday April 17th 2005, 8:50 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Love & Marriage

It was a few minutes before the services started. The congregation was seated in the pews and talking quietly. Without warning, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman. The man sat calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in front of him.

Satan walked right up to the old man and said, “Do you know who I am?

The man replied, “Yes, I sure do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

“No, sure ain’t.” said the old gentleman.

“Do you know I can kill you with a single word?”, asked Satan.

“I don’t doubt it for a minute,” replied the old man, in an even tone.

“Don’t you realize that I could cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?” persisted Satan.

“Yes,” was the calm reply.

“And yet you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.

“Nope,” replied the man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well then, why aren’t you afraid of me”?

The old man looked Satan right in the eye and replied, “I’ve been married to your sister for 52 years.”

Knob Job
Sunday April 17th 2005, 8:29 pm
Filed under: Doctor's Office

A forty-something went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The doctor told her about a new procedure called “The Knob,” where a small knob is placed on top of a woman’s head that can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a new facelift. The woman thought that sounded like a great idea decided to get “The Knob”.

Over the course of the next several years the woman tightened the knob whenever she felt she needed a facelift. The effects were wonderful and the woman remained young looking and vibrant. However, after fifteen years and countless knob turnings had passed, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems:

The woman explained to the surgeon, “All these years, everything has been working fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”

The doctor examined her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.”

She said, “Oh, I see. I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee then.”

The Tax Man
Saturday April 16th 2005, 4:38 pm
Filed under: Misc. Jokes

A man in a blue suit had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over.

Everyone was shouting, “Give me your hand!”

The man would not reach up.

Suddenly, Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man.

“Friend,” he asked, “What is your profession?”

“I am an income tax collector,” gasped the man in the blue suit.

“Please sir, take my hand”, said Ben Bebo.

The man immediately grasped the guru’s hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, “Never ask a tax man to “Give” you anything.”

The Evils of Water Skiing
Saturday April 16th 2005, 4:26 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Misc. Jokes,Sex Jokes

A preacher became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was going water skiing on Sunday, rather than coming to church, so he said to his wife, “This Sunday, I’m going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sunday.”

“What!” she exclaimed. “That’s a silly thing to preach about!”

“I don’t think so,” he said, “it’s a problem we need to address.”

The next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asks the preacher what he was going to preach about.

“I already told you,” he said, “I’m going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays.”

“That’s idiotic!” the wife says. “First of all, it’s a stupid sermon topic, and second, the people who need to hear it won’t be at church!

Why don’t you preach about sex or something people are interested in?”

“Nope. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays, and that’s what I’m going to preach about” he said firmly.

The wife says, “Well, I’m not going to sit through a stupid sermon like that. I’m going to stay in the car. You can tell the congregation I’m sick or something.” And she stayed in the car.

As the preacher was walking from the car to his study at the church, he started thinking his wife might be right, and he changed his mind and gave a brilliant sermon on the proper role of sex in modern society.

When the service was over, one of the parishioners stopped by the preacher’s car and said to the pastor’s wife, “I’m sorry you’re not feeling well this morning. Your husband gave the finest sermon today that he’s ever given since coming to this parish.”

“I don’t know why he thinks he’s such an expert on the subject,” the wife snapped.

“He’s only tried it twice, and he fell off both times.”

Redneck Roadblock
Saturday April 16th 2005, 4:15 pm
Filed under: Redneck Jokes

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of beer.

The passenger, Bubba, said, “Lookey thar up the road, Earl, it’s a police roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these beers in tha truck!!”

“Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the labels and stick ‘em on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.”

“What fer?”, asked Bubba.

“Just let me do the talkin”, said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers and threw the empty bottles under the seat. They each put a label from the bottles on their forehead.

When they got to the roadblock, the sheriff asked, “You boys been drinkin’?”

“No SIR,” Earl replied, “we’re on the patch!”

Proof of Age
Wednesday April 13th 2005, 6:50 pm
Filed under: Golden Years,Love & Marriage

A retired man went into the social security office to apply for social security.

After waiting in line for what seemed like hours he finally got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the her that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.

The woman says, “Please unbutton your shirt.”

So he unbuttons his shirt revealing a chest covered in grey hair.

She says, “That grey hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she approved his social security application.

When he got home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

His wife replied, “You should have dropped your pants, you would have qualified for disability, too.”

Five Stages of Drunk
Wednesday April 13th 2005, 6:42 pm
Filed under: Barroom Jokes,Misc. Jokes

Stage 1 = SMART: This is when you become an expert on everything known to mankind. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are ALWAYS RIGHT and of course the person you are talking to is ALWAYS WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both people are SMART.

Stage 2 = GOOD LOOKING: This is when you realize that you are the most attractive person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bare in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 = RICH: This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked outside the bar. You can also make large bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 = BULLET PROOF: You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 = INVISIBLE: This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because no one can see you. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.

Still Hot After 50 Years
Tuesday April 12th 2005, 4:10 pm
Filed under: Golden Years,Love & Marriage

An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary.

“You know” she said, “We were sitting in this very kitchen across from each other 50 years ago.”

“Yep” he said, “But we were probably naked.”

“So let’s get naked now!” she suggested.

So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.

“You know” she said with a horny grin “My boobs feel just as hot for you today as they felt 50 years ago.”

He replied “I’m sure they do. One is in your coffee and the other one is in your oatmeal!”