Blonde Rents a Skin Flick
Thursday March 31st 2005, 10:00 pm
Filed under: Blonde Jokes,Sex Jokes

A blonde named Shelly decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn’t done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment, there’s nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Shelly: “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape but static.”

Clerk: “Sorry about that. We’ve had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?”

Shelly: “Head Cleaner.”



The Nudist Colony
Thursday March 31st 2005, 9:55 pm
Filed under: Golden Years,Sex Jokes

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?”

The man replies “No, what do you mean?”

She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me.”

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, “Did you call for me?” says the hairy man.

“No, what do you mean?” says the newcomer.

“You must be new,” says the hairy man, “it’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.”

The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.

“May I help you?” she says.

The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 fee.”

“But sir,” she replies, “you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.”

The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m 68 years old, I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I’m outta here!



Stress Management
Wednesday March 30th 2005, 9:53 pm
Filed under: Daily Grind

Just in case you’ve had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a scade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.



Switch Hands
Wednesday March 30th 2005, 9:49 pm
Filed under: Doctor's Office,Golf Jokes,Sex Jokes

A pro golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

“I have some good news and some bad news.” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”

“Oh god no!” cries the man. “My career is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”

“The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm! I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant”

“Go for it doc” says the man. “As long as I can play golf again.”

The operation went well and 6 months later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.

“Just great” says the business man. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.”

“That’s great.” said the surgeon.

“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors”

“Unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a success.”

“Well there is one problem,” said the golfer, “every time I try to jerk off I get a headache!”



A Costly Mistake
Monday March 28th 2005, 5:19 pm
Filed under: Heaven & Hell,Misc. Jokes,Say What?

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all subsequent copies.

The head abbot replies, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

So, the head monk goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by, and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young new monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for the elder monk. He sees him banging his head against the floor. His forehead is all bloody and bruised, and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word is celebrate!”



She is So Blonde
Monday March 28th 2005, 5:14 pm
Filed under: Blonde Jokes

She is so blonde that…

She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
On a job application where it says “Sign here:” she wrote “Sagittarius.”
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
Under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.”
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said “Concentrate.”
She told me to meet her at the corner of “Walk” and “Don’t Walk”.
She tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
She studied for a blood test.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, “Airport Left,” she went home.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said “TGIF,” which she thought stood for “This Goes In Front.”
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company



A Dilemma
Sunday March 27th 2005, 10:06 pm
Filed under: Love & Marriage

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head. The wife shouted, “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser and for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, “What the hell would you do?”

The cabby said, “I’d cover his ass up with that blanket quick before he catches a cold.”



Going to be a Long Flight
Sunday March 27th 2005, 10:03 pm
Filed under: Misc. Jokes

A stranger was seated next to Joe on a plane. “Let’s talk,” he said to the guy. “I’ve heard that flights go a lot quicker if you can strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.”

Closing the book he’d been reading, Joe looked at the man and said, “Okay. So what would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger with a shrug. “How about nuclear power?”

“That would be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first,” Joe said. “Horses, cows, and deer all eat grass. Yet deer excrete little pellets, cows turn out flat patties, and horses produce clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

“You’ve got me there,” the stranger laughed. “I have no idea.”

“Well, then,” said Joe, “how is it you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”



Patient Information
Sunday March 27th 2005, 9:54 pm
Filed under: Doctor's Office

A woman called a local hospital. “Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I’d like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse.”

The voice on the other end said, “What is the patient’s name and room number?”

“Sarah Finkel, room 302.”

“I’ll connect you with the nursing station.”

“3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?”

“I’d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302.” “Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon.”

The woman said, “What a relief! Oh, that’s fantastic… that’s wonderful news!”

The nurse said, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!”

” Neither! I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit.”



Dear Employees
Saturday March 26th 2005, 7:42 pm
Filed under: Daily Grind

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of “TRY SAYING” new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won’t work.

TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a prick.

Thank You,
Human Resources